Ninja Assassin Tears into Korean Politics

Ninja Assasin, the action packed martial arts based dude movie, was recently released in South Korea to an eager and elated audience. While the movie’s reviews didn’t fare much better here than they did back in the States, Koreans, as they’re wont to do, took a great deal of national pride in the film’s star actor, Rain.

Rain, born Jung Jihoon, was raised in near poverty by a single mother stricken with diabetes. It is Rain’s unprecedented rise to international superstardom that has captured the hearts and imaginations of so many South Koreans. Truly a Cinderella story, Rain has inspired countless Koreans to reach beyond their limits and to never, never give up.

Lee Minhee, a Kyungsung University student has felt personally inspired by the young mogul in her own life. “They said to Rain, you are too ugly to be famous and so he got sexy. I was born short, but I now walk only in eight inch (20.3 cm) heels. Now I am tall.”

A growing point of contention has sprung up over Rain’s ninja character. Raizo, the ninja assassin turned ninja killer turned nice guy looking for a girlfriend, is of Japanese descent. The historical turmoil between Japan and Korea is still fresh in the minds of many Korean people. While many South Koreans have decided to let the past (several forced occupations, political prisons, endless torture, sex slavery, etc.) stay in the past and now look to a harmonious existence with Japan, a good number of Koreans still harbor some resentment.

Kim Bumshi, a somewhat elderly Korean man who rides his bicycle adorned from front to back with Korean flags through the streets of Busan held a less forgiving view point of Japan. When asked by a Dong Chim reporter where the post office is located he yelled, “Fuck you, Japan!” Mr. Kim declined further comment but did indicate with his middle finger what turned out to be the relative direction of the post office.

A movement among Korea’s active youth has taken hold and is spreading with impressive speed. The group has taken the popular idea behind the Dokdo is Ours campaign and is now claiming that all of Japan rightly belongs to the Korean people. The group has uncovered ancient documents stemming from just before the earliest Japanese documents. These documents, the group claims, prove indisputably that the land which is now known as Japan was granted to the superior Korean people by God Himself.

The group refused to produce the documents but assures us that they are real and signed by Jesus, Buddha, and Admiral Hiro Fukdanips.

John Kim, a Korean born but naturalized Canadian citizen, has been appointed English liaison for the group. “We are currently in the process of preparing our case for the World Court of International Boundary Disputes. Our documents are absolute proof of our right to the land which is currently known as Japan. The WCIBD will have no choice but to recognize our sovereignty.”

Rain was good enough to take time from his busy schedule to grant Dong Chim a phone interview:

DC: Rain, it is quite an honor to speak to you.

R: Yes, I’m sure it is.

DC: Rain, what are your opinions regarding South Korea’s claim that Japan rightly belongs to South Korea?

R: South Korea (long pause) I know South Korea, yeah my mom was from there.

DC: Yes sir, correct. Do you feel that South Korea’s claims may in fact prove legally sound?

R: What, um, yeah I’m sorry. I was just having sex with two 18 year old blond girls. What was the question?

DC: Do you feel that your country, South Korea, is acting within the confines of international law?

R: Country? I’m in Hollywood, baby. I mean South Korea is cool and all and I totally love my fans out there. Love you guys! But have you ever been a rich young celebrity in Hollywood? It’s like being a freaking god. No, it’s like being God. Capital “G” God.

Korea’s First World Poker Championship

… and on a lighter note:

This past Saturday the Sheraton Grande WalkerHill in Seoul hosted Korea’s first World Poker Championship. The event was advertised around the world and boasted of a minimum first place take of W1,000,000,000. Initially, some 2000 people were reported to have registered, however, due to certain visa regulations which included a mandatory 5 day swine flu quarantine during which everyone would be required to watch the Hong Man-Choi Vs Jose Canseco fight at least three times a day, everyone dropped out.

With all of the world’s top players opting out, South Korea attempted to substitute the prestige of world class poker with the magical allure of celebrities and deities. The list of notable celebrities in attendance included: Tom Cruise, Gary Busey, Russell Crowe, and Celine Dion. Of the many thousand ethereal beings invited, sadly, only two attended. Fortunately for us and the competition organizers, it was two fan favorites. Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha himself and Jesus of Nazareth wowed the rowdy crowd of drunken, gambling devotees.

The Awakened One was kind enough to grant our DC reporter a pregame interview:

DC — Siddhartha, first off…

B — Buddha, please. I think I’ve earned it.

DC — Yes, certainly! Of course! Our apologies, Buddha. First off, it is a great honor just to be in your presence. You have been a constant source of inspiration in so many lives, mine certainly included. Your teachings have had a terrific effect on the world as we know it. You’ve touched…

(The Buddha here held up a finger, a gesture we took to remain silent. A young penitent woman approached the Buddha and knelt at his feet.)

Penitent Woman (PW) — Great Buddha, most wise teacher, giver of the light of understanding, planter of the seed of enlightenment, father….

B — What can I do for you, sweetheart?

PW — Great Buddha, my gentle father has recently become blind and sick, and I fear he is dying. My mother is dead and without my father I will be left alone in the world. Is there nothing you can do to help him?

B — Well, this is the nature of life. The cycle, you know? You have read the book, right? I mean, life and death, can’t have one without the other.

PW — Great Buddha, my father is a wealthy man, both spiritually and financially. I beg of you, isn’t there some gesture I could make in his name, some sacrifice I could offer that would prove to you, Lord Buddha, mine and my father’s devotion and faith?

B — Well, I normally never do this kind of thing, but, in honesty, the roof at Bongwonsa has been dripping like a sailors hose after a port stay in the Philippines. I suppose if you pledged to donate, oh say, W5,000,000 we could get your old man up and running for another couple years or so. Oh, and if you had just a bit left over, enough to cover my buy-in that’d be great too.

PW — Oh great Buddha, your mercy is terrific!

(The penitent woman thanked the Buddha profusely, kissing his feet and bowing again and again.)

DC — Wow, a real life miracle right in front of my eyes, that is something! How does it feel to be the hands down favorite among the deities here tonight?

B — Me, a deity? I’m just man, like you. Just a man. I mean, yeah I’m enlightened and off the wheel of life and all that, filled with the blissful peace of nirvana but when it comes down to it, I’m just a regular guy.

DC — But you just cured that girl’s father. That was amazing!

B — Cure? No, the guy was going to be fine. All I did was fix a roof so that Brother Kim won’t get pissed on every time it rains.

Despite his pregame genius, the Buddha did not fare well in the tournament. The Buddha chose to sit in silent repose during the match and was eventually blinded out.

Celine Dion was actually the first player out of the tournament. Well, actually she never technically made it into the tournament. A ruling was handed down just minutes prior to the start of play citing that Ms. Dion did not fulfill the requirements necessary to register as a celebrity and she was sadly disqualified.

Eddie Kim, the tournament director, explained the decision to those in attendance after Ms. Dion was escorted from the building. “I just couldn’t stand looking at her,” he said. “God, what a horse face that woman has.”

Another favorite to barely make a showing was Tom Cruise. Mr. Cruise, after getting his booster seat, made a number of good plays early on and it seemed was on his way to being chip leader. However, about three quarters of the way through the first hour, he seemed drawn to a young man in leather pants and a tight pink shirt. Mr. Cruise excused himself and the pair locked themselves in the men’s room. Mr. Cruise did not make it back to the game before his stack was blinded out.

In a foreseeable blow, none of the 250 Korean players made it to heads up. In pure Korean gambling fashion, they bet every pot, raised every bet, and called everything they couldn’t afford to raise. The chip lead passed among them as, in each and every hand, one player was knocked out or doubled up.

When the fervor of the Korean style of play had died down there were three players remaining: Gary Busey, Jesus Christ, and Russell Crowe; respectively, the father of the motorcycle helmet law, the son of God, and the man who loves spirits more than any other.

Mr. Crowe, after a mesmerizing display of drinking prowess finally succumbed to his vise and passed out face down in his chips. Jesus broke the awkward silence after Mr. Crowe was hauled away by asking the crowd, “now, who didn’t see that coming? You didn’t need to be a prophet to realize that tipsy Aussie wasn’t gonna make it.”

Heads up, Busey kept one eye locked on Jesus and used his other wondering eye to follow what he described as a “tiny purple flying elephant.”

“I know you sent this miniscule lavender Dumbo to distract me, Jesus,” Busey said. “And it’s not going to work. I’m on to you, buddy. I’m so far in your head that I’m looking out of your eyes, seeing me looking at you, knowing that that guy is onto you.”

A confident Jesus remained silent through the match, smiling coyly as a distracted Busey swatted at, what appeared to be, empty air.

The climax came at around the fifth hour when an increasingly aggravated Busey moved all in blind on his small blind. The crowd, which overflowed onto the street, hushed. A hundred foot banner that changed in a play by play fashion was hung across the hotel’s façade. Jesus, glancing at his cards, quickly called.

When the cards were turned, Busey showed the big guns themselves, pocket rockets, two aces and Jesus, grinning through the pressure, turned a meager 2 – 7.

Busey focused both his eyes on the table as the dealer turned the flop. Dead silence permeated the casino; nobody even dared to exhale. The flop came A – K – 2. Busey remained stoic as he hit top set. When the 2 was dealt on the turn, most everybody knew what was coming on the river. Even Busey, it seemed, sitting there with aces full against a weak set, with his opponent having roughly a 2% chance of hitting his one-outer, knew he was beat. And when the final 2 was shown, Busey, with uncharacteristic reserve, graciously shook the Lord’s hand and offered Him his congratulations.

Jesus later told us that he respected Busey’s play. “That guy was hard to read,” He said. “He’s just all over the map. I mean, honestly, and I’m not supposed to say this stuff, but sometimes I really had no idea what was going on in his mind.”

And when asked if He ever had any doubts about winning He said, “Look, I’m the son of God. The day I agreed to let those Roman bastards nail me to that cross, just to make my dad look good, pretty much guaranteed that I was going to get everything I wanted from that point forward. That shit really hurt! What kind of father does that? Let’s his son get nailed to a cross just to look good?”

Dong Chim, as a policy, does not comment on questions, or question comments of a religious nature.

How to Avoid the New Korean Civil War

As I sit outside on my small balcony garden tonight, in my comfortable blue beach chair with a pitcher of Cass to my side and the glowing ember and tough earthy smell of mosquito repellent in front of me with the scenic, reflective river view from my 22nd floor apartment and the slowest most patient sea breeze passing by, it breaks my heart to announce that my beloved South Korea stands on the brink of civil war.

While my nature as a pacifist and a happy-go-lucky drunk would normally preempt my involvement, or active interest in anything so politically volatile, I feel compelled to do my part. My part, which will never be to wield the implement of destruction or stand cool-eyed and steadfast against an aggressor, must be, can only be to report the facts in the same hardnosed, unbiased, emotionally absent and articulate manner you have come to expect.

In most civil wars the lines of opposition can be hazy. Rarely is the pretext clear, and rarely is the onus distinctive enough to allow easy separation of the sides. This war, however, is different.

The first side: (given deference (titled as “first side”) only out of home-field respect) the Idiots at Anti-English Spectrum (IaAES). The other side: the Idiots at Dave’s Esl Café (IaDEC).

The ultra nationalistic homogenites of the IaAES became outraged four years back when photographs of young Korean women drinking and frolicking with young Western men were posted on a public forum. Their argument then, as it is today is: Stop wooing our innocent young girls with your fancy swagger and worldly ideas.

In response, whether direct or organically occurring, the rival idiots invented the new derogatory word “Kimberly,” a feminization of the common Korean surname, Kim, to emasculate both any particular Korean they felt threatened by, and any group that spoke out against Western teachers.

The Korean idiots began working tirelessly, spreading baseless rumors against unnamed foreign sex fiends, citing horrific never substantiated rumors, and stalking those they suspected of doing drugs or working illegally.

The Western idiots began calling the 40 year old leader of the Korean idiots a “virgin.”

The IaAES flexed their political muscle recently by popularizing the notion that Western teachers are oozing AIDS, and spearheaded the mandatory AIDS test for all E-2 applicants.

The IaDEC continued to expound on and exaggerate every possible negative facet of living in Korea. Their general argument being, that all Koreans are repressed, drunken, rude, unsophisticated cheats that are incapable of conceptualizing the world in the sophisticated manner to which they are accustomed. They then went on to label any Westerners voicing an opinion even vaguely in favor of not demeaning the people and the country that has given us homes and jobs as “apologists.”

The IaAES has recently taken to translating several of the IaDEC’s internet posts, and commenting endlessly on the idiocy contained within.

The IaDEC initially lambasted the Korean idiots for taking the time and effort to translate what, were in truth, some of their more tame posts. And has since then made several calls for able people to translate what is being posted on the AES website so that they can read what the enemy is saying and comment endlessly on it.

To date: the IaAES continues to romanticize the tyranny of the Western teacher, and the IaDEC constantly tries to prove themselves to be the biggest spoiled douche bags in the world.

What is important for us, the people who are not idiots, to remember is that these idiots do, in fact, represent us. Every time some New Jersey frat boy makes his way to Seoul and posts some question about the best ways to “bang Korean chicks” he represents all of us and makes us look like idiots. And for you, our educated Korean readers, every time some closed minded Korean man, desperate not to have his innocent Han flowers plucked, plucked, passed by the foreign devil, writes detailed baseless lies, he represents you and makes you look like an idiot.

And while I’m certain that this social issue will not be quashed entirely during my tenure in Korea, I would like to suggest one single idea which I hope might help some amount of the teetering idiots on both sides fall back on the side of ration.

Every single time an issue regarding Korea and the West is brought up, Jon Huer writes a long winded, stereotyping, self aggrandizing article. And being an American, like Jon Huer (just writing that caused my teeth to grind) I am embarrassed every time he writes. And as Koreans, as intelligent, educated, rational people you can’t possibly want this long winded American, who has most likely spent less of his adult life living in Korea than most of the IaDEC, claiming to represent you.

I believe, well I hope, that if we Koreans and Westerners alike can find a common ground in not wanting that fat blow-hard to have a soap box to stand on, in not wanting the over-educated, inexperienced likes of Jon Huer representing us, we can best whatever petty issues our respective groups of idiots have taken to heart and forge a united front. A front that collectively and unanimously and proudly stands up and says, “Jon Huer, shut the fuck up!”