Kim Jong-Il, North Korea’s despotic ruler, has released a public statement offering his support to the Arizona Cardinals in this Sunday’s Super Bowl. The reclusive leader has never publically taken an interest in American football before, and has in fact denounced almost all things American as evil and beneath him. He has, however, admitted to being a fan of Western movies and reportedly exclaimed “oh yes! Oh my God, that is amazing!” when seeing Katie Holmes bare her breasts in the movie, The Gift.
Coming on the back of President Obama’s public support of the Arizona Cardinal’s rival, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Mr. Kim’s announcement shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to those that have studied his historical political tactics.
North Korea’s press secretary, Shin Young-Hee, addressed Kim Jong-Il’s announcement in a public forum on Friday. “Our exalted leader wishes to extend the powerful arm of friendship to the recently abandoned peoples of the Arizona Cardinals.” He went on to read a statement written by Kim Jong-Il himself. “People of the Arizona Cardinal, your country has abandoned you. Your President Obama has denounced you in public and damned you to hell in private.” The statement went on to offer the Arizona Cardinals “intense and devastating support” if they would decide to secede from the United States and riches beyond imagination if they were to join the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Former President, George W. Bush, who has had eight years of dealings with Kim Jong-Il, found time in his hectic post-presidential schedule to discuss this surprising announcement.
“That guy,” President Bush exclaimed with a snicker and an excited hand gesture. “Thanks for talking to me, by the way. I’ve been so damned lonely lately. That guy,” he continued, “you just never know what he’s thinking. As soon as you think he’s gonna zig and blow up them Seoul Chinamen, he zags opens up his nuclear facilities to our inspectors. That guy,” he went on, “he’s something else.”
President Bush then chuckled to himself, oblivious to further questions, in apparent deep reflection, until our reporting staff quietly showed themselves out.
While Kim Jong-Il’s announcement has already caught the attention of most of the mainstream press, a sharp eye in the Dong Chim look-at-pictures-all-day department has just unveiled a startling and revealing fact. Within the official picture released by the North Korean government (shown above), in which the leader is seen lounging in his freshly painted “I love the Arizona Cardinals Lounge,” a beverage which should look very familiar to any Pittsburgh Steelers fan can be seen. A frosty cold Iron City beer, in the company’s trademark aluminum bottle, is clearly visible just out of reach of the powerful man’s hand.
An attempt to contact the North Korean government for clarification was met with a death threat and what sounded like gun fire in the background.
Keith “Big Kevin” O’Conners, the director of the distribution warehouse at the Iron City Brewery claims to get an annual order five hundred cases of “Ahrn Pounders” from the diminutive dictator. When confronted with the illegality of selling beer to North Korea, due to a current U.S. trade embargo, Mr. O’Conners directed us to the head of the Local Brewers Union. Jim “Big Jimbo” Murphy granted us an interview and then threatened to kick our asses and the asses of any government sissy that thinks he can tell his union members who they can sell their “shit” to.
While Kim Jong-Il’s taste for the Steel City’s beer may not necessarily imply a deeper interest in its football team, it certainly raises some interesting questions. Is it possible that an expressed and shared interest in the Pittsburgh Steelers football team could have been a bonding issue for the new president and his North Korean counterpart — a neutral ground to have begun the healing? And conversely, could this announced support for the Arizona Cardinals lead to a furthering of the divide which is already so deep between the two countries? Only time will tell.