Ninja Assassin Tears into Korean Politics

Ninja Assasin, the action packed martial arts based dude movie, was recently released in South Korea to an eager and elated audience. While the movie’s reviews didn’t fare much better here than they did back in the States, Koreans, as they’re wont to do, took a great deal of national pride in the film’s star actor, Rain.

Rain, born Jung Jihoon, was raised in near poverty by a single mother stricken with diabetes. It is Rain’s unprecedented rise to international superstardom that has captured the hearts and imaginations of so many South Koreans. Truly a Cinderella story, Rain has inspired countless Koreans to reach beyond their limits and to never, never give up.

Lee Minhee, a Kyungsung University student has felt personally inspired by the young mogul in her own life. “They said to Rain, you are too ugly to be famous and so he got sexy. I was born short, but I now walk only in eight inch (20.3 cm) heels. Now I am tall.”

A growing point of contention has sprung up over Rain’s ninja character. Raizo, the ninja assassin turned ninja killer turned nice guy looking for a girlfriend, is of Japanese descent. The historical turmoil between Japan and Korea is still fresh in the minds of many Korean people. While many South Koreans have decided to let the past (several forced occupations, political prisons, endless torture, sex slavery, etc.) stay in the past and now look to a harmonious existence with Japan, a good number of Koreans still harbor some resentment.

Kim Bumshi, a somewhat elderly Korean man who rides his bicycle adorned from front to back with Korean flags through the streets of Busan held a less forgiving view point of Japan. When asked by a Dong Chim reporter where the post office is located he yelled, “Fuck you, Japan!” Mr. Kim declined further comment but did indicate with his middle finger what turned out to be the relative direction of the post office.

A movement among Korea’s active youth has taken hold and is spreading with impressive speed. The group has taken the popular idea behind the Dokdo is Ours campaign and is now claiming that all of Japan rightly belongs to the Korean people. The group has uncovered ancient documents stemming from just before the earliest Japanese documents. These documents, the group claims, prove indisputably that the land which is now known as Japan was granted to the superior Korean people by God Himself.

The group refused to produce the documents but assures us that they are real and signed by Jesus, Buddha, and Admiral Hiro Fukdanips.

John Kim, a Korean born but naturalized Canadian citizen, has been appointed English liaison for the group. “We are currently in the process of preparing our case for the World Court of International Boundary Disputes. Our documents are absolute proof of our right to the land which is currently known as Japan. The WCIBD will have no choice but to recognize our sovereignty.”

Rain was good enough to take time from his busy schedule to grant Dong Chim a phone interview:

DC: Rain, it is quite an honor to speak to you.

R: Yes, I’m sure it is.

DC: Rain, what are your opinions regarding South Korea’s claim that Japan rightly belongs to South Korea?

R: South Korea (long pause) I know South Korea, yeah my mom was from there.

DC: Yes sir, correct. Do you feel that South Korea’s claims may in fact prove legally sound?

R: What, um, yeah I’m sorry. I was just having sex with two 18 year old blond girls. What was the question?

DC: Do you feel that your country, South Korea, is acting within the confines of international law?

R: Country? I’m in Hollywood, baby. I mean South Korea is cool and all and I totally love my fans out there. Love you guys! But have you ever been a rich young celebrity in Hollywood? It’s like being a freaking god. No, it’s like being God. Capital “G” God.