Korea is at peace! We at Dong Chim are ecstatic to report that the governments of North and South Korea have finally and permanently resolved their differences. The war is OVER! The Korean people are again united. The streets of Seoul and Pyongyang are flooded with tearful revelers, and the world can finally exhale.
Just at the proverbial zero hour, when the north was threatening the full might of their nuclear arsenal, an old fashioned request for help brought face to face the two leaders of the Korean peninsula.
Lee Myung-Bak, elected leader of what was South Korea, released the following statement early last evening:
Kim Jong-Il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, recently reached out to me through a phone call. Though I was quite shocked to receive his phone call, I was extremely happy at the opportunity for discourse. In Korea, my enemy is also my brother, and even though he’s an asshole we both came out of the same happy hole—and that’s important. As the conversation progressed through the requisite ‘how’s your mother’ pleasantries, I kept myself intensely aware of the recent highly publicized and horribly violent events. I was determined not to allow the unprovoked sinking of our military vessel and the deaths of our servicemen to be swept under the rug. I mean, just because the man was politely aware that my sister-in-law recently had a baby is no reason to forget that he’s also been a giant douche nozzle. I was determined to stand in resolute defiance of anything and everything Mr. Kim said or demanded. However, when he told me that he and his family had just bought a new apartment and would need help moving, I felt obligated to oblige. I mean, it’s in the man code. You just can’t say no when a guy asks you to help move. Sure, he’d have to provide some beers and a pizza or what not, that’s standard, but you can’t say no to a guy who needs help moving furniture. It’s part of the code.
It seems for Korea and the world, President Lee’s awareness of and adherence to the man code was a blessing beyond scope.
The two men met outside Mr. Il’s lavish apartment early yesterday morning in casual dress, both a little hung over from the night before. And through the course of a three trip move found common ground, common love of Korea, it’s people and it’s culture, and hashed out the political necessities to put in motion the long awaited reuniting of Korea.
Mr. Il, happy to pass the torch of “Craziest World Leader” to Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, granted our Dong Chim reporter the following telephone interview:
DC: Thank you, sir, for granting us this interview.
KJI: Yes, yes. Be quick. I’ve got a vacation to plan.
DC: Of course, sir. How do you feel to finally have the war over?
KJI: Fuck the war. Fuck Korea. Fuck it all. I am just sick of everyone talking shit on me. I mean did you see that awful Team America movie? What a bunch of bullshit. I mean, Robert Downey Jr. is a far superior actor to Alec Baldwin.
DC: Yes sir, of course. Sir, what was it about your meeting with Lee Myung-Bak that led you to seek a peaceful resolution with the south?
KJI: Honestly, the guy’s got a strong back. I’ve got a lot, and I mean a lot, of heavy furniture, and that skinny bastard never even winced. You know, I respect that. The guy’s tough.
DC: Well we, sir, at Dong Chim are extremely happy that the rift between the north and the south has been mended, and we would like to applaud you for having the fortitude and wisdom to make this peace happen?
KJI: What the fuck is a Dong Chim? And where is my peach cobbler? Lee’s second mistress sent me a delicious peach cobbler. It’d burn your ass hairs off, it’s so delicious. Holy shit, is my shoe on fire? No, no that’s just a yellow sock. What the hell? Do you know what this red button does? I mean, should I press it?
DC: Sir, no. Please do not press that button.
KJI: Well, you’re about a pansy aren’t you? Just go and find my peach cobbler.
With the help of two of his security agents and a dog trained specifically to sniff out peach cobbler in the event that peace was declared and the south’s president’s second mistress baked a peach cobbler which was inadvertently lost occurred the pie was found.
Despite all the obvious good will, an insider, loose from celebratory soju, from Mr. Lee Myung-Bak’s camp offered his candid views:
Bak almost shit his pants when he got to that wacko’s apartment. I mean, the guy’s the leader of a nation and all he has got to move his furniture is a stolen shopping cart and a roll of twine. I mean, no truck, no dolly, no boxes, no adjuma cart, no bags that can be wrapped and carried on your head. Just a God damned shopping cart. Anyway, it’s over, finally.
While there has been no official word as to how or when the two governments would combine or who, and in what capacity, would lead the actual developmental reconstruction of the Korean peninsula, the world and the peoples of Korea have shared a unanimous “HUZAH!”
The dark veil has lifted from Korea and the future looks bright.