Archive for January, 2009

naughty

A recent study conducted by the Bayer Corporation, the producer of the erectile dysfunction drug Levitra, has concluded that Korean men are the world’s most selfish in bed, which as a result has produced more late night dirty massage parlors in Korea. The survey compared the “vitalsexual” tendencies of 8, 5000 men in 12 countries. The term “vitalsexual” was coined in a study called “Sex and the Modern Man,” in which the term is used to describe middle-aged men who still value a healthy sex life and are willing to take erectile producing drugs if so needed.

The survey, which was implemented in 12 different countries, asked if they thought their partner’s satisfaction was an important factor in their sex life. Out of all twelve countries Korean ranked last, with only 87% saying that their partner’s satisfaction was of any significance (english.chosun.com).

The survey also asked, “Is it essential to take a partner’s satisfaction into consideration when having sex?” 60 percent of German respondents said yes, placing the country in the first place, ahead of Brazilians (59 percent), Spain (56 percent) and Mexico (46 percent). But only 30 percent of Korean men thought their partner’s satisfaction was important enough to be labeled essential (english.chosun.com).

A study done later by a nonprofit organization that promotes extramarital sex, “We Love you Short Time,” linked the communities that were surveyed in Korea by Bayer and the number of double barber pole massage parlors in the surrounding areas. The study surprisingly found that the areas in which men placed little importance on partner satisfaction were saturated with dual barber pole establishments.

Baek Bo-Bae of Gangnam was interviewed after she was told by several neighbors that her husband frequents “barber pole alley.” When asked her thoughts on her husband going astray she stated, “I do not care, he sucks in bed. I told him to go, I feel bad for the poor prostitute.”

Lee Ha-Neul of Suseo stated a need for more Red Hot Model Bars within communities infected with sexually untalented Korean males. “We need to be satisfied; maybe they could find some German “models” to satisfy us women in these establishments.”

Dirty massage parlor owners around Korea, though, are taking advantage of the boost in sales by launching a huge ad campaign titled, “Selfish sex – Just do it quickly – You have to be at work in two hours.”

Bayer Study Link

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Seoul Business

A select group of South Korea’s most promising young ladies are being considered for some of the country’s top positions. For the first time in the nation’s history, women will have the opportunity to work directly alongside their male counterparts as they deal with the countries intricate daily workings.

Korean press secretary, Park Dae-Hyun, is optimistic about his country’s forward thinking policies and proud to have been appointed to the selection committee. “Women have always been valued as essential to our culture,” he stated, “and now we are realizing that they can be more than things to make us babies and satisfy our desires. They can be static fixtures in our offices and aid in our unified goal of constant improvement.”

A total of thirty positions are being made available and will range in salary from W90,000,000 to W175,000,000. “As you can see,” Mr. Park told us, “these are some of the best jobs available to women anywhere in the world. All of these positions will be directly under, or even sometimes above, the most powerful and influential men in our country – in the world!”

“While the competition is expected to be intense,” Mr. Park explained, “we are encouraging all qualified women to apply.”

Korea’s official website (translated into English) cited the qualifications as follows:

* Between 18 and 24 years of age

* Weighing no more thatn 43 kilograms (95 pounds)

* An ability to work in very high heels

* Possessing an affable and passive nature

* The ability to speak at least two languages (not including Korean)

* A willingness to keep a secret at all costs

* Academic and professional qualifications specific to the job will be considered in the event of a tie

Before we had a chance to ask him, Mr. Park explained why such professional and elite positions would have such physical requirements. “These are some of the most powerful positions in our country. How could we entrust them to women that are unwilling or incapable of maintaining themselves in a decent manner? Our country deserves and demands the highest standards from all of its employees.”

The appointment committee will be composed of two-hundred and seventy-three current government employees, and will give each of the committee members an opportunity to interview all of the applicants in person, one at a time and in a place of his choosing. “We want our committee members to be intimately acquainted with all of the applicants so as best to be able to judge their characters and personal qualities.”

Desperate Buddhists Flock to Local Convenience Stores
Wonder Girls Address Issues Important to Korea’s Youth
Woman Beaten to Death by Mob of Citizens with Strong Beliefs in Tradition

phone

A violent, unprovoked, and deadly beating was meted out today by a small group of Korean citizens, which included a woman of over ninety years and the victim’s own husband.

The victim, 23 year old Kim Min-ju, was reportedly walking very quickly and neither meandering nor attempting to text on her cellular phone.

“Who does she think she is?” her husband of two and a half years asked. “Where is she going so quickly? Doesn’t she even care enough about her mother’s new purse to phone her and ask her about it?”

Reports from a witness claim that ninety-two year old Park Jin-hee was the first to hit the young woman. She reportedly stood in the young woman’s path, which was easy to do because of her “straight line” style of walking, and without warning punched the woman in the throat with a closed fist.

As the old woman continued to strike and kick the prostrate woman a crowd of passersby quickly stood around the spectacle, blocking the sidewalk to traffic.

“At first I thought the old woman was crazy,” a woman who asked not to be identified said, “but when I saw that she (Kim Min-ju) didn’t have a single Louis Vuitton accessory and that she had no visible hand phone, it all made sense.” The woman then claims that she began pressing her four inch heals into the crying woman’s temple. “I mean,” she went on to explain, “does she really think she’s better than we are?”

Kim Min-ju’s husband was the last of the crowd to strike her and claims to have dealt the final blow. “I felt horrible about it, I did, but we have a way of doing things here. We just, we just can’t tolerate certain behaviors.”

An elderly man who was not physically involved in the fray due to chronic chest congestion which causes him to constantly hack up small pieces of sputum and spit them in public places, said that he had no sympathy for the victim. “For centuries,” he explained, “we, as a people, have perfected our complex algorithmic slow paced meander to confound the outsiders and to prove that Korea is the greatest nation in the universe. This woman was one of us and she understood the consequences of her actions.”

Due to the husband’s active involvement, the Seoul police have decided not to press criminal charges.“We do not interfere in domestic disturbances,” they stated in a public release. ” A marriage is a sacred and personal thing.”

The Wonder Girls, Korea’s famous 16 year old girl group, has decided to write lyrics based more on the issues that young women deal with today. The Wonder Girls’ recent song, “So Hot,” is a bit of a memoir for the talented ladies with the song discussing the members own self esteem and body issues.

“What should I do? I think everybody likes me

Oh, no, please leave me alone!

All the boys be loving me, girls be hating me

They will never stop ‘cause they know, I’m so hot, hot.”

wondergirls

22

By the hundreds and from around the world, despondent Buddhists have begun to gather outside of small South Korean convenience stores. Many of the men and women have been actively and faithfully pursuing the Way of the Buddha for the majority of their lives, but are just finding the waiting to be unbearable.

Ma Xi-ken, the eldest of a group of Chinese Buddhists who have recently set up a make-shift altar on a flimsy blue plastic table, was eager to speak about just why he and his people have made the long journey to South Korea. “All my life,” he told this reporter in broken English, “I have sought the Way of the Buddha. I pray. I meditate. I abstain. And now in my 95th year I feel no closer to understanding than I did when I was twenty. I just want to know, before I die, what it all means. And if it costs me everything I have it is a small price to pay”

What exactly has drawn Mr. Ma and so many like him is the popular South Korean convenience store chain Buy-the-Way. The company is a ubiquitous landmark across the country and its biggest seller of intensely sweet raspberry flavored wine. An extensive search into the thriving business’s advertising campaign revealed that the company has never offered enlightenment amongst its products, which include mostly such staples as banana flavored milk and portioned imitation crab meat.

However, the company’s CEO, Mr. Park Ji-hoon, does not “discount” the possibility. True to the nature of any successful Korean Businessman, Mr. Park is ready to adapt and exploit the ever changing market. “If there are people wanting to buy a product then we want to sell it to them. And sell it at a price they can afford and at unparalleled quality. But-the-Way is dedicated to serving its customers in all of their consumer needs, both physical and spiritual.”

A young counter jockey, who goes by the western name “Terminator,” working part-time in one of the ninety-five Buy-the-Ways in the Gangnam area of Seoul, had very little to say about the group of elderly Chinese chanting outside of the store’s glass door way. “I mean, like, if we have it,” Terminator said, “and they want to buy it, I don’t really see a problem.” Terminator then put his MP3 ear buds back into his ears and was unavailable for further comment.

Buy-the-Way has subsequently announced that it is actively and passionately pursuing the development of several products aimed at the emerging market. While no specific products were mentioned, there have been well substantiated rumors of a new Buy-the-Way brand of cigarettes to be called “holy smokes” and a new drink called “so-ju want to experience nirvana?”

An at press attempt to contact Terminator was met with sad news. Terminator, since learning that long time FT Island guitarist Wonbin has decided to leave the group, has barricaded himself within his room, refusing both food and water. “There’s just no point to any of it,” he says again and again, “it just doesn’t make any damned sense.”