Archive for February, 2009

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The Dong Chim general staff has moved its offices to Busan. And though we are loving the beaches, the slightly warmer weather, the cleaner air, less traffic, way nicer housing, generally just nicer people, less metro man-bag carrying cock-knockers, hiking, fresh seafood, the clean crisp taste of a sea breeze, and the throngs of huge breasted and well lubricated mermaids that live only to satisfy our ever whim, we do acknowledge that we have been extremely lax in site maintenance.

While we, at this time, do not have any of our signature wares to offer, we do have this picture. It was taken in Gangnam during our farewell to Seoul drink-a-thon. This photo has not been altered in any way. The picture below is the name of the establishment. We did not enter and do not have any information on what exactly is sold within.

If any of you ladies (or gentlemen, I suppose) would like directions please feel free to email our P.R. director Jason, at dongchim@ymail.com.

We pledge to track down our writing core, sober them up, and beat the funny out of them as quickly as humanly possible. Please bear with us during this transitional phase.

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The founder of Mr. Pizza, Kim Duck-Young, has changed the company’s slogan from “Love for Women” to “Hate for Women” after finding out that his wife of twenty years has been having an affair with a stout, hairy beast of a woman. The change has angered women all over Korea and has lead to a mounting number of protests in the City Hall area. However, a growing number of men who have been burned by this latest of Western plagues – Lesbianism — have embraced the new slogan.

Along with the change in slogan, the famous pizza chain has also made several notable changes to the menu. A number of new pizzas have been added such as the “Burn in Hell” pizza, a tasty pie covered in spicy red sauce and topped with habanera peppers. For the experientialist out there, why not try the “Die Bitch” pie, this is topped with pretty pink hearts and tetrodotoxin from the “super yum-yum tasty part” of the blowfish. Or why not try the “Your Ass is Fat” pizza, an extra oily pie topped with bacon, bacon grease, mayonnaise, and ranch dressing. The chain has also added a lunch special called “Two Timing Tramp,” offering two of the new pizzas for the price of one. The “I Hope you get Herpes” pie is reportedly still in the works but is due out by Valentine’s Day.

The pizza boxes have likewise been redesigned to fit with the new slogan. Instead of saying:

“Mr. Pizza knows how to please women

because he understands them and knows what they want.

Because he cares about women, Mr. Pizza strives

to make a more delicious pizza.

Now, fall in love with the taste of Mr. Pizza.”

the boxes will now say:

“Mr. Pizza didn’t know his wife was such a dirty whore.

He bought her nice things and did everything she asked.

All of a sudden the tramp decided she liked vagina.

Mr. Pizza is all alone, all alone, all alone.

Hope you enjoy your fat, butch new lover, you stupid bitch.”

Along with the change in menu and slogan, the chain now refuses to hire any women and women are encouraged never ever to not go into any Mr. Pizzas, unless they want roofied and a ride “on the train.”

Duck Young Kim has refused an interview with us, saying that he was too busy drinking whisky and watching his wedding videos.

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A 23 year old Canadian ex-pat, who asked to be referred to as simply “Frank Teacher,” was moved to micturition by his young student’s search for a missing paper cut-out of a planet. The school, understandably, has asked us not use its name in our report. And somewhat surprisingly, the Canadian consulate sent us a rather lengthy and detailed report stating, in detail, that Canadians are no more prone to pissing their pants than any other people. However, the British government has, incidentally and for apparently no reason at all, acknowledged that its citizens, when intoxicated, are apt to soil themselves at a rate ten times the world average.

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Frank Teacher told us, wearing his pressed work shirt and a fresh bought pair of sweat pants. “They were just gluing the planets on the piece of paper, making the solar system, you know, when it just all went crazy.”

“I don’t have your anus,” is what Frank Teacher initially heard the young student say. Of course, the young boy was referring to the planet, Uranus, but Frank Teacher was apparently caught off-guard by the loud and unexpected statement.

“I think if it would have just stopped there, it would have been fine,” Frank Teacher told us.

But no, it didn’t stop there. Not by a long shot. What follows is Frank Teacher’s recollection of what transpired between the initial child and the rest of the class. All of the children’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

“I don’t have your anus,” George Bush said, standing up, directing the statement to the young boy across from him. “I don’t know where it is. Oh no! Where is your anus?”

“Sit down,” said Kirk Cameron, who was sitting across from George. “Your anus is right there. Right there on the table next to your crayon.”

“That’s not your anus,” George retorted. “That’s just a piece of garbage paper. Teacher! Teacher, I can’t find your anus.”

Frank Teacher at this point was still “holding it together” and had, reportedly, simply and calmly told the young boy to sit down and use the planets that he had in front of him.

But true to form, George Bush was not about to listen to reason. He threw up his chubby hands and began shouting, “I need your anus! I can’t do this without your anus! I need your anus, it goes right here! Your anus has to go right here!”

The rest of the class, consisting of Ann Coulter, Mr. Wizard, three Dallas Cowboys, the lead singer of 80’s sensation Oingo Boingo, and a number of the unnamed cast member of ABC’s hit TV show LOST that appeared suddenly only to be killed off mysteriously, all began to address young George’s panic.

“It’s OK,” assured Ann Coulter, “you don’t need your anus.”

“Don’t worry, your anus is stupid. It’s the stupidest one of all,” said Mr. Wizard.

“You’re stupid,” said quarterback Tony Romo. “He needs your anus, Ann Coulter. He can’t make the stars without your anus.”

“Give him your your anus then,” Ann replied and threw her eraser at Tony Romo’s head, unintentionally hitting the random guy who was killed by a flaming arrow in this season’s LOST.

So on and so forth. Frank Teacher admitted to us that he completely lost control of his class. “I just stood there,” he said, “I mean I was laughing a little at first, like to myself, but it just kept going and going. Everyone was shouting about Uranus. And when that fucking kid starting crying, screaming, ‘I need your anus. Where is your anus?’ I just lost it. I just doubled over, and well, I pissed myself. What the fuck. Shit.”

Frank Teacher has, with the consent of his Principal who has started calling him “Francy Pants,” decided to forego the rest of the space section.

The French consulate, on hearing of Frank Teacher’s new nick name, has released a statement supporting the pissing of pants as both an artistic expression and “an intelligent and reasoned response to educating.”

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Kim Jong-Il, North Korea’s despotic ruler, has released a public statement offering his support to the Arizona Cardinals in this Sunday’s Super Bowl. The reclusive leader has never publically taken an interest in American football before, and has in fact denounced almost all things American as evil and beneath him. He has, however, admitted to being a fan of Western movies and reportedly exclaimed “oh yes! Oh my God, that is amazing!” when seeing Katie Holmes bare her breasts in the movie, The Gift.

Coming on the back of President Obama’s public support of the Arizona Cardinal’s rival, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Mr. Kim’s announcement shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to those that have studied his historical political tactics.

North Korea’s press secretary, Shin Young-Hee, addressed Kim Jong-Il’s announcement in a public forum on Friday. “Our exalted leader wishes to extend the powerful arm of friendship to the recently abandoned peoples of the Arizona Cardinals.” He went on to read a statement written by Kim Jong-Il himself. “People of the Arizona Cardinal, your country has abandoned you. Your President Obama has denounced you in public and damned you to hell in private.” The statement went on to offer the Arizona Cardinals “intense and devastating support” if they would decide to secede from the United States and riches beyond imagination if they were to join the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Former President, George W. Bush, who has had eight years of dealings with Kim Jong-Il, found time in his hectic post-presidential schedule to discuss this surprising announcement.

“That guy,” President Bush exclaimed with a snicker and an excited hand gesture. “Thanks for talking to me, by the way. I’ve been so damned lonely lately. That guy,” he continued, “you just never know what he’s thinking. As soon as you think he’s gonna zig and blow up them Seoul Chinamen, he zags opens up his nuclear facilities to our inspectors. That guy,” he went on, “he’s something else.”

President Bush then chuckled to himself, oblivious to further questions, in apparent deep reflection, until our reporting staff quietly showed themselves out.

While Kim Jong-Il’s announcement has already caught the attention of most of the mainstream press, a sharp eye in the Dong Chim look-at-pictures-all-day department has just unveiled a startling and revealing fact. Within the official picture released by the North Korean government (shown above), in which the leader is seen lounging in his freshly painted “I love the Arizona Cardinals Lounge,” a beverage which should look very familiar to any Pittsburgh Steelers fan can be seen. A frosty cold Iron City beer, in the company’s trademark aluminum bottle, is clearly visible just out of reach of the powerful man’s hand.

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An attempt to contact the North Korean government for clarification was met with a death threat and what sounded like gun fire in the background.

Keith “Big Kevin” O’Conners, the director of the distribution warehouse at the Iron City Brewery claims to get an annual order five hundred cases of “Ahrn Pounders” from the diminutive dictator. When confronted with the illegality of selling beer to North Korea, due to a current U.S. trade embargo, Mr. O’Conners directed us to the head of the Local Brewers Union. Jim “Big Jimbo” Murphy granted us an interview and then threatened to kick our asses and the asses of any government sissy that thinks he can tell his union members who they can sell their “shit” to.

While Kim Jong-Il’s taste for the Steel City’s beer may not necessarily imply a deeper interest in its football team, it certainly raises some interesting questions. Is it possible that an expressed and shared interest in the Pittsburgh Steelers football team could have been a bonding issue for the new president and his North Korean counterpart — a neutral ground to have begun the healing? And conversely, could this announced support for the Arizona Cardinals lead to a furthering of the divide which is already so deep between the two countries? Only time will tell.