Archive for March, 2009

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Elite mental health officials in Korea have released compelling research on a newly diagnosed mental illness that has taken many Korean women hostage. Anuptaphobia, the fear of staying single, has caused Korean women to take drastic measures in order to land a boyfriend or husband. The study, which took place over six months in Lotte department stores across Korea, interviewed nearly 10,000 single women.

The study estimates that up to 70% of single Korean women have been affected by the illness. Women who partook in the study were asked questions such as, “Why do you dress up just to go grocery shopping?” “Why did you spend 10 million won on your purse?” and “It’s freezing outside, why do you have a mini skirt on?” Psychiatrists recorded the answers of the women and then analyzed the roots of their behavior, and concluded Anuptaphobia as being the sole reason for such insane behavior.

Anuptaphobia has not only caused women to spend a ridiculous amount of money on clothing, but has even provoked women to seek drastic surgical procedures. Though clothing can aid in the appearance of women, some women feel a further need to set themselves apart. New plastic surgery clinics are taking advantage of these self-esteem issues, now offering cranial reduction and breast augmentation. Dr. Lee, one of the top cranial/breast surgeons, recently opened a new clinic in the Centum City area of Busan called “Small Face, Lovely Breast.” The clinic has become so popular that the waiting list has now reached one year.

The clinic specializes in making the cranium smaller, which as a result makes eyes, lips, and breasts appear larger. The cranial surgery includes a Double D breast enlargement free of charge.

While Dr. Lee is pleased with the large influx of business, he is concerned over the results of the new study. “I think women need to realize that staying single is not that bad, I mean you can always work at Gimbop Changuk if you don’t get married.”

Kim Min-Jee is currently on the waiting list for the surgery, “I really want to
marry a doctor and I feel the only way I can do so is to get the surgery. I mean what guy would not want a girl with a small head and huge breasts?”

Mental health officials, though, are expressing concern over the epidemic. One of the country’s top psychiatrists, Baek Dong-Yul, is disturbed over the recent behavior of single women. “The results of this study are staggering and incredibly dangerous. Women are actually reducing the size of their heads and getting their breasts enlarged just to appeal to men. It’s absolutely insane. What’s next? Are women going to start getting their voice boxes removed to appeal to men even more?”

The Korean government has been hesitant of giving money to aid in the research which hopes to produce new medication that could treat the illness. President, Lee Myung Bak, released a statement stating, “Though Anuptaphobia seems to be a very serious illness, the fact of the matter is, the hotter our women are the more tourism our country will receive.”

Psychologists and psychiatrists across the country are refusing to give up on the cause and are hosting a week long fundraising event starting April 1st in both Busan and Seoul. The Wondergirls are slated to host the event in Seoul. Recently the group has been focused on self-esteem issues in their music and therefore are excited to be apart of such a good cause.

[Editors note- After reading this article, Dr. Lee has opened a new clinic in Haundae called, “Shhhhhhhhh,” which specializes in removing the voice boxes of single women.]

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Wa Bar, Korea’s foreigner hotspot, has been chosen as the lucky new location of MTV’s popular reality show, The Real World. Wa Bar competed against two other popular Korean bars, Dublin Bar and Foreign Happy Fun Sparkle Bar as the location for the reality show. The cast will live above a yet unspecified branch located somewhere in Korea’s largest city, Seoul. This season will be the first of to be filmed in Asia.

Upon hearing the news, War bar officials were delighted. President, Johnny D. Bagtevich stated, “It will be great for viewers across the world to see what it is really like for foreigners living in Korea. Many people do not realize the perplexity one encounters when working and living in another country.”

Real World producer, Dick Derrick, explained a few of the reasons why Wa Bar was chosen, “Wa Bar will be a great place for the cast to reside. The bar really exemplifies the customs and culinary traditions specific to the Korean culture. Also, viewers can witness character revealing and beautifully telling moments, such as when cast members try to order food and booze in Korean. Cast members are encouraged to interact with Koreans in the bar, even though this will most certainly be extremely arduous (and hilarious).”

The cast of this season’s Real World, which has already been selected, are mostly military personnel stationed in Korea or western “unemployables” teaching in Korea. The selected cast went through a rigorous selection process and the requirements for cast members were extremely particular. Women had to be at least 5’8” and men 6’2”. Real World hopefuls also had to compete in a fitness test, which consisted of them taking off their shirts while competing in drinking games; only those with the best combination of sex appeal and reckless drunkenness were chosen. Those with very high IQs were not considered for the show on the well-founded basis that they were probably really boring.

New cast member, Tina Haring, from Halifax, Nova Scotia, says she is still in shock from being chosen. “I can’t fucking wait,” she exclaimed, “OMG! I just can’t wait to party, like everyday. We are living above a bar, how sweet is that?” Bob Long, a soldier from Texas and fellow cast member, was also flabbergasted upon hearing the news, “This will be fucking great. Wa Bar has Red Bull and vodka! And I can’t wait to nail some Korean bitches!” Candy Hollow, fellow cast member, upon reading the suggestion for cast members to interact with Koreans in the bar asked, “Wait, do Koreans actually go in War Bar, really? I never saw one there before.”

Real World co-producer, Sally Strawford, is especially excited for this season of the Real World. “This season is going to be very eclectic and very different from previous seasons.” Real World Korea will have eight cast members (five girls and three guys). This season includes a poet, a ditsy super hot former cheerleader, a white supremacist warmonger, a former Black Panther, a metro sexual, a catholic, a women’s rights activist, and a PETA representative. “And three of them,” Sally told us with an “on the sly” hand gesture, “will actually be Oriental. We are really pushing some demographic barriers here.”

Cast members are not only provided with free housing, but also an unlimited supply of free alcohol (courtesy of Wa Bar). This season is also sponsored by The United Colors of Benetton and each cast member will be required to wear only Benetton clothing. As the season progresses we will update Dong Chim readers of hook-ups between cast members and local bar-goers, and, of course, any fights that may ensue.

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While we at Dong Chim have acknowledged the world wide threat of terrorism, and individually have taken the necessary precautions to secure, as best is possible, our own personal safety, we have sadly and regrettably failed to foresee the possibility of an attack on our own small press. Yes, earlier this week Dong Chim was the victim of an unprovoked internet assault by a nomadic cell of Canadian terrorists.

Like the attacks on the World Trade Towers, damage was done, injuries incurred, lessons learned but the structure which exists beyond the visible and tangible remains intact and, in fact, strengthened.

It appears the Canadian terrorists, hating our message of free press and moved to rage by Toronto’s less than stellar hockey season, devised and implemented a massive bombardment of our server. A Dong Chim web-link was placed on a key website alerting both those knowingly involved and, sadly, many innocent browsers who just happened to unknowingly come across the link.

Our Server and landlord, Mrs. Lee, has been in near hysterics since the attack. She was alone at the time of the attack and was so overwhelmed by the amount of traffic that her ankle was sprained in the frey and two bowls of Chom-chi Chi-gae were spilled. Mrs. Lee wrote the following with a shaky pen and teary eyes. We did not ask her or encourage her to tell her story but it seemed to mean a great deal to her, and for that reason we decided that it deserved print. (Mrs. Lee is not fluent in English therefore some grammar was cleaned up and some vocabulary altered but we are 100% certain that what follows is completely in line with her intentions)

“I was alone in the restaurant when the buzzer started buzzing. I don’t mind helping the boys (Dong Chim) so I went into the back, to the big computer like I always do, rearranged the punch cards, checked the vacuum hoses, and pulled the lever. But it just kept happening. I was so afraid! Then customers came in and I had to serve their food but the big Computer kept beeping. It seemed ok at first until a piece of kimchi fell into the vacuum line and clogged it. And it just kept beeping. I feel so awful, I completely blame myself!”

Dong Chim has absolved Mrs. Lee of any and all wrong doings.

An unprecedented 28 individuals, nearly simultaneously, attempted to access our site. To put this into perspective for you luddites, our internationally visited site which has won numerous prestigious awards and the acclaim of many of our time’s greatest literary minds had, before the attack, a one day record of five visitors. Fortunately, Mrs. Lee is one of the most sought-after servers in the industry and was able to stave off the vast majority of the damage. Imagine the havoc that could have occurred had the assault been directed a smaller, less prepared site.

Our Key diagnostician, Gregory “House” McGuilicutty, spent two sleepless nights back-tracing the origin of the assault and is certain that the traffic, aside from our normal two hits a day, originated at one single web address.

Our lawyers, still building our civil case and working in tandem with several international agencies on the criminal case, have advised us to not to mention by name or inference or make any decipherable indications as to where exactly the focus of the investigation lies. However, like the God of the Old Testament we are a spiteful entity! And being largely an American based organization, it’s our nature when attacked to come back swinging at any and everything that even remotely resembles or might have done direct business/associated with/talked to or like, our enemies.

With our computer and our server (aside from a slight limp) up and running at full force and the latest of technological security measures installed — including a space age device called a “fire wall” -– we stand empowered and resolute against the cowardly nature of terrorism.

Before we post the link and information of the website which attempted to destroy the thing that we have worked so hard to build, we need to make clear that we cannot openly suggest or warrant any actions that could be deemed aggressive or illegal. We have the utmost faith in both the legal system and Karmic nature of the universe. However, if both of you, our diehard fans, were inclined on your own to rally a force and visit a similar attack as was felt here at Dong Chim we would have no sympathy for your victim.
http://roboseyo.blogspot.com/ we now know with certainty, is the sole entity responsible for our hardship. We don’t yet know everything about them but it is apparent that they move somewhat regularly and shiftily around the world and tend write in a long winded and airy manner. May God have mercy on you, roboseyo, because we will not!