Archive for April, 2009

fatchickonmotorcycle1

In a not so surprising report released by two independent research groups, riding a moped, even in Korea where it seems most everyone does it, is still incredibly lame. The two groups, HCBH (Hot Chicks Back Home) and HCiK (Hot Chicks in Korea) represent, respectively, both the girls that were deemed hot in their home countries and those whose relative hotness has increased substantially by the general lack of fine western trim here in Korea.

The accepted simile back home was that riding a moped was like banging a fat chick: Probably a lot of fun but not something you’d want you friends to see you doing. And whether it is the abundance of mopeds, which might give the impression of coolness in Korea or the ratio of available fatties, which has greatly increased the number of times most all of us have had to make that most regrettable of late night decisions – hogging which, becoming more of a norm, acted upon our subconscious fat-girl:moped ratio and caused our perception of the mopeds social acceptability to alter, no one can say.

Despite the reasons why the moped has garnered some level of acceptability, the hot chick collaboration claims that riding a moped is still “totally lame.”

In a reply to the idea that a thing like riding a moped (or banging a fat chick) can become cool in specific locations or under specific circumstances, Misty Johansson, the president of HCBH, said, “look, if you’re stranded on a mountain top with your brother and are forced to share body heat to survive, and when the proximal heat isn’t enough you find yourself compelled to engage in no-lube incestuous sodomy (sodomy to avoid the possibility of birthing an unholy freak), you might be doing exactly the same thing that anyone in your position would do. You might be doing the very thing you need to do to survive, but it still isn’t even close to being cool. I mean you’re letting your brother bang you in the ass, that’s just gross!”

A third group, MACDSE (Mediocre American Chicks Digging Skinny Europeans), a group composed of chubby, homely girls with disproportionate bodies and bushy eyebrows that are turned on by skinny European guys in tight jeans, wearing scarves and plaid, gave a contesting report praising the sexy potential of mopeds. The report was promptly ignored for obvious reasons. (Who the F cares what ugly chicks think?)

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adjumathennow

There are few words which can so immediately and powerfully evoke a specific uncontested image like the word ‘adjuma.’ Americans, Koreans, Australians, the English, and even Canadians (in their own limited capacity) envision the same squat, tight haired, steely eyed, brightly dressed woman ready to bowl over, elbow, and gouge their way to a better place in line. It’s usually one of the first Korean words a foreigner learns: right after hello, thank you, and two draft beers, please. It’s a word used in levity with friends as a jab, and as a sharp insult aimed at anyone acting adjuma-esque.

However, as the tough agrarian lifestyle which cast the young women of yesterday into the pit bulls of the now is rapidly being replaced by a modern, comfort and status driven, more western existence, a growing number of adjuma aged women are feeling like they just don’t fit in. While still in the deep minority, these women can be usually seen separated from the mobs of scowling helmet haired real adjumas. Unlike their linebacker counterparts, the new breed of adjuma is usually thin and dressed in fashionable attire. Many are even foregoing the requisite afro perm for a styled modern look. Some can even be seen smiling – though usually when on their cell phone.

Many women, like Min Sun-jee, a prominent 50 year old dentist in the Gaepo area of Seoul, find the connotation associated with the word adjuma confusing or, occasionally, disturbing. Min Sun-jee attempted to clarify her feelings. “Adjumas are ugly,” she told our reporter. “I go to the gym six days a week. I watch On-Style like it’s my job. I love desperate housewives. I have never paid less than 500,000 won for a purse. I am not an adjuma. Look at my ass; you could bounce a baek won off of this ass.”

Sadly for Min Sun-jee, adjuma’s accepted denotation is simply “older married woman.” And though she scoffed at the word ‘older,’ saying, “older than who? Look around. There are more people than in a New York subway line at rush hour – just in this building – that are older than I am. Did you see my ass? Here, touch it; go ahead.”

It is quite possible that as more women like Min Sun-jee reach adjuma age the connoted implications of the title will change, and may in fact reflect the western idealized M.I.L.F. But for now, for Sun-jee and the many like her, these educated, sexually aware women are left without an appropriate categorized societal pigeon hole.

While we at Dong Chim do not have an answer to this quandary, we do ask our readers to be sympathetic to those who suffer its brunt. For many of us, our mastery of the Korean language being naught, our limited vocabulary limits how we can address those around us. We don’t have the ability, despite our intentions, to appropriately address an older yet attractive and stylish woman. So, if you see an attractive older lady and need to speak with her, instead of calling her adjuma, give her a nice smack on the tush and call her “toots.” If you’re out and want to ask a well dressed cell phone talking, cigarette smoking woman a question, premise your question by buying her a cosmo and calling her “doll face.” While the correcting of a society’s rifting self-image is well beyond the grasp of any one person or group, we can all do what we can to ease the suffering of those affected.

four-seasons

South Korea’s Department of Environmental Studies spokesman, Lee Jin-hee, announced today that from this day forward South Korea will officially have five seasons. The change in national policy swiftly followed last week’s highly publicized finding that South Korea was not the only country with four seasons.

Park Sun-lee, a university student, recounts her feelings after last week’s shocking findings were released. “For years,” she said, “we’ve been walking around, telling every foreigner we met that Korea has four seasons.” Sun-lee, like so many other Korean’s had been instructed from a young age that having four distinct seasons was a natural honor specific to Korea. “They told us to tell everyone! They gave us cards to carry with “Korea has four distinct seasons” written on it. They made us memorize this shit in high school. It’s so embarrassing”

No one is exactly certain if persons within the Korean educational and governmental agencies were aware that the majority of the world’s nations also celebrated four distinct seasons.

Lee Jin-hee was kind enough to meet with our staff reporter to discuss his report. “We now know that several countries claim to have four seasons,” he began, “but as the world clearly acknowledges, Korea’s environmental splendors are by far the greatest. It was on this premise that we began our research which subsequently uncovered the fifth distinct season.”

When asked why South Korea would go through the trouble to officially change its accepted four season structure, Lee Jin-hee smiled and said, “it’s one better. Most countries have three seasons, and some may have four, but Korea will has five. It’s one better.”

The new season is purported to exist after the final cherry blossom has fallen and before the first 3000 beach umbrella day on Haeundae beach. A name for the new season has not been chosen, but Dong Chim has been assured it will “represent Korea’s preeminent seasonal standing and will most likely cause the rest of the world’s nations to suffer the often felt jealousy of Korea’s clear superiority.”

Editor’s Note – Dong Chim acknowledges Dokdo is Ours’s prior reporting of this important change. We further doff our literary cap to the quality and ingenuity of their groundbreaking article. Dokdo’s Fifth Season Article