Archive for June, 2009

crowe and korean

In early May, the winner of what was being promoted as “the best job in the world” was announced by the Australian Tourism Board. While the winner, a 34 year old British charity worker named Ben Southall, has been reveling in his new fame and preparing to embark on his lucrative endeavor, the Australian Tourism Board has come under some harsh, and potentially litigious, fire.

A group of Korean men, calling themselves the Defenders of the True Best Job in the World (DTBJW), claiming to have a membership of over 8 million people, have embarked on a campaign to force the Australian government to publically apologize and to admit that the job they offered is far from the best in the world. The group, which is reputed to include some of the richest and most powerful men in South Korea, has threatened to launch a multi-million dollar smear campaign against the entire country of Australia and to pursue any and all legal avenues available. The group claims that the greatest job in the world exists solely in South Korea and is an absolute birth right for fifty percent of its population.

“There can be no doubt that the “adjossi” is the single greatest job in the world,” claims Ho Man-choi, the legal representative of DTBJW. “The title of adjossi is given to our men as they reach middle age, and from that moment on, the men are free to do nearly anything they choose. The men may beat their wives, drink to preposterous excess, and drive without regard for public safety or traffic laws. These men are even encouraged to utilize the services of prostitutes as much as they desire. And as these men age, the power and the benefits only increase. A man who has lived past his sixtieth year, for example, may spend his entire day drinking with his friends outside of Family Marts, or verbally assaulting passersby on a public street, and while we don’t necessarily encourage it,” he continued with a chuckle, “an adjossi may even stand in the door way of a building and masturbate himself at, or to, anything that passes by, suiting his fancy.

“What, can I ask you,” he said, rising straight in his chair and slamming his fist down, “are these kangaroo eating Australians really offering that could compete with forty years of living like a god?”

Though Mr. Ho’s claims might seem preposterous to some, we at Dong Chim can, collectively, attest to the happening of all of these occurrences and to the daily happening of most. It’s hard to pass by a convenience store without seeing a grouping of older men drinking from a communal bottle of Makali. Never once, in any of our experiences, has a light turned from yellow to red without at least five cars buzzing through. And, as a good friend and fellow Dong Chim writer likes to say, if you haven’t seen an old dude beating his wank at 2:30 on a Monday afternoon, you probably haven’t been to Korea.

While it would certainly be difficult to imagine a freer existence than being an adjossi, the question which the Australian Tourism Board has proffered is whether “adjossi” can really be qualified as a “job.”

Australian citizen and international film star, Russell Crowe, offering to speak on behalf of all Australians, was kind enough to grant Dong Chim a telephone interview:

DC – Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us about this important topic.

RC – I’m drunk.

DC – Ok…. Well, what take do you have on South Korea’s claim that Australia does not have the right to use the phrase “best job in the world?”

RC – Who the fuck is Sal Kreah? I’m gonna kick his Jew ass if he ever even thinks about Australia again.

DC – Mr. Crowe, perhaps I’m not making myself clear. I cleared this with your assistant only an hour ago, we’re calling in regards to Australia’s best job in the world promotion.

(30 second pause)

DC – Sir? Mr. Crowe, are you there?

RC – What? Who the hell is this?

(30 second pause)

RC – if there isn’t a can of Foster’s in my right hand and one of Nicole Kidman’s tits in the other in three minutes, I’m going to kick all of your asses.

DC – Sir?

RC – Two minutes and fifty seconds remaining, asshole.

DC – We’ll see what we can do.

As a rebuttal to Mr. Crowe’s commentary, the DTBJW released the following statement: “Gladiator sucked.”

To date, neither side, nor Russell Crowe (who has been calling our offices daily with slurred threats), is ready to back down. We at Dong Chim don’t know where this is going to end, but you, our valued reader, can rest assured that as soon as we know something we will get around to telling you in about a month or so.