Archive for February, 2011

Milton Baynard is a 26 year old white guy from a middle class American family. He is college educated and his parents are happily married. Milton’s grandfather served in the California state senate for six years. Milton grew up playing baseball and football. He spent five summers, from 3rd grade to 8th grade, at a very nice summer camp. Milton’s high school girlfriend was a cheerleader named Mandy. By any rational deduction, Milton is your quintessential all-American guy – and he hates it.

“So, I didn’t grow up in a house with a meth addicted cousin living in the basement,” he tells us. “Is that my fault?”

Milton and many like him are suffering from what the psychological community is referring to as Poor Little Rich Kid Disorder.

“The sufferers tend to grow up in fairly stable homes, both emotionally and financially,” says Dr. Mustafa Africanis X, a board certified psychiatrist and the leading researcher on Poor Little Rich Kid Disorder. “They are most always male and of a very pale, exceedingly pasty heritage. They are rarely from what we in the field refer to as “kinda dark skinned,” people such as Italians or Columbians. They are what you might refer to as Justin Bieber-esque”

According to Dr. X, persons like Milton find their comfortable surroundings to be oppressive within the current American culture which tends to demonize the fortunate while romanticizing the plights of minorities and the poor.

“It’s like I can’t even walk down the street without offending someone,” Milton told us. “Do you know how many words I can’t say? Seriously, and I’m not talking about the N-word or referring to homosexuals as bouncy, prancing bone slobberers. I mean, like walking out of a Coen brother’s movie I referred to the film as a “black comedy” and almost got my ass kicked. The word “black” is dangerous for me. I had women calling me a sexist for offering to pay for dinner. I had a Jewish guy call me an anti-Semite because I told him I didn’t like the band KISS.”

Overwhelmed in his home country, Milton Baynard moved to Korea.

“Its fucking great here!” he said. “I barely work, I get plenty of money to live on, and I’m a minority. People stare at me when I walk down the street. Every father thinks I’m a dangerous man. The Korean girls like me because their fathers don’t. Hell, I even hear people mumbling racial slurs when I walk into a restaurant. I learned them all. It’s awesome.”

However, while Milton is secretly happy to be the object of racial discrimination he chooses to express a different side.

“I don’t exactly go out of my way to be a model citizen here,” he said, “however, I do make sure that I am always in the right as far as Korean customs and laws go. I’ve studied the language and the history. I know how to interact with people of different generations. To see me walking down the street, if you were truly blind to race, you’d think I was a Korean.”

Milton then demonstrated his proficiency in simple Korean politeness. He explained the importance of posture and indirect eye contact when talking to older people or people in authority. He related cultural insights, their historic roots and modern interpretations. He told us how he studies Korean for two hours every night in his apartment.

“I do all this,” he says, “because I know every single day, if I say out long enough, someone will cross that line. I know some old guy will mutter something about “big nose” under his breath. I know some kids will laugh to themselves about the “smelly foreigner.” And if none of those or a hundred other things happen,” he said, “I know for certain that I can walk into just about any restaurant and order some chi-gae or mae-un-tang and the waiter will tell me it’s too spicy for me, that foreigners can’t eat spicy food. And then I go off. And boy do I go off! I’ve got this whole speech memorized in every level of Korean speak, from the youngest student to the oldest lady. I get to explain how these racists comments are hurtful to me and that how when people use them I, and people like me, are made to feel as less than equal – less than human. I fucking love it. I get to bitch every single day. It’s almost like being a bouncy, prancing bone slobberer except that I am much less likely to get AIDS.”

Milton is currently working on a book about racial intolerance on the Korean peninsula, and hopes to have a list of words Korean people will not be able to say popularized in the next few years.