Archive for the ‘Current Events’ Category

Korea is at peace! We at Dong Chim are ecstatic to report that the governments of North and South Korea have finally and permanently resolved their differences. The war is OVER! The Korean people are again united. The streets of Seoul and Pyongyang are flooded with tearful revelers, and the world can finally exhale.

Just at the proverbial zero hour, when the north was threatening the full might of their nuclear arsenal, an old fashioned request for help brought face to face the two leaders of the Korean peninsula.

Lee Myung-Bak, elected leader of what was South Korea, released the following statement early last evening:

Kim Jong-Il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, recently reached out to me through a phone call. Though I was quite shocked to receive his phone call, I was extremely happy at the opportunity for discourse. In Korea, my enemy is also my brother, and even though he’s an asshole we both came out of the same happy hole—and that’s important. As the conversation progressed through the requisite ‘how’s your mother’ pleasantries, I kept myself intensely aware of the recent highly publicized and horribly violent events. I was determined not to allow the unprovoked sinking of our military vessel and the deaths of our servicemen to be swept under the rug. I mean, just because the man was politely aware that my sister-in-law recently had a baby is no reason to forget that he’s also been a giant douche nozzle. I was determined to stand in resolute defiance of anything and everything Mr. Kim said or demanded. However, when he told me that he and his family had just bought a new apartment and would need help moving, I felt obligated to oblige. I mean, it’s in the man code. You just can’t say no when a guy asks you to help move. Sure, he’d have to provide some beers and a pizza or what not, that’s standard, but you can’t say no to a guy who needs help moving furniture. It’s part of the code.

It seems for Korea and the world, President Lee’s awareness of and adherence to the man code was a blessing beyond scope.

The two men met outside Mr. Il’s lavish apartment early yesterday morning in casual dress, both a little hung over from the night before. And through the course of a three trip move found common ground, common love of Korea, it’s people and it’s culture, and hashed out the political necessities to put in motion the long awaited reuniting of Korea.

Mr. Il, happy to pass the torch of “Craziest World Leader” to Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, granted our Dong Chim reporter the following telephone interview:

DC: Thank you, sir, for granting us this interview.

KJI: Yes, yes. Be quick. I’ve got a vacation to plan.

DC: Of course, sir. How do you feel to finally have the war over?

KJI: Fuck the war. Fuck Korea. Fuck it all. I am just sick of everyone talking shit on me. I mean did you see that awful Team America movie? What a bunch of bullshit. I mean, Robert Downey Jr. is a far superior actor to Alec Baldwin.

DC: Yes sir, of course. Sir, what was it about your meeting with Lee Myung-Bak that led you to seek a peaceful resolution with the south?

KJI: Honestly, the guy’s got a strong back. I’ve got a lot, and I mean a lot, of heavy furniture, and that skinny bastard never even winced. You know, I respect that. The guy’s tough.

DC: Well we, sir, at Dong Chim are extremely happy that the rift between the north and the south has been mended, and we would like to applaud you for having the fortitude and wisdom to make this peace happen?

KJI: What the fuck is a Dong Chim? And where is my peach cobbler? Lee’s second mistress sent me a delicious peach cobbler. It’d burn your ass hairs off, it’s so delicious. Holy shit, is my shoe on fire? No, no that’s just a yellow sock. What the hell? Do you know what this red button does? I mean, should I press it?

DC: Sir, no. Please do not press that button.

KJI: Well, you’re about a pansy aren’t you? Just go and find my peach cobbler.

With the help of two of his security agents and a dog trained specifically to sniff out peach cobbler in the event that peace was declared and the south’s president’s second mistress baked a peach cobbler which was inadvertently lost occurred the pie was found.

Despite all the obvious good will, an insider, loose from celebratory soju, from Mr. Lee Myung-Bak’s camp offered his candid views:

Bak almost shit his pants when he got to that wacko’s apartment. I mean, the guy’s the leader of a nation and all he has got to move his furniture is a stolen shopping cart and a roll of twine. I mean, no truck, no dolly, no boxes, no adjuma cart, no bags that can be wrapped and carried on your head. Just a God damned shopping cart. Anyway, it’s over, finally.

While there has been no official word as to how or when the two governments would combine or who, and in what capacity, would lead the actual developmental reconstruction of the Korean peninsula, the world and the peoples of Korea have shared a unanimous “HUZAH!”

The dark veil has lifted from Korea and the future looks bright.

Ninja Assasin, the action packed martial arts based dude movie, was recently released in South Korea to an eager and elated audience. While the movie’s reviews didn’t fare much better here than they did back in the States, Koreans, as they’re wont to do, took a great deal of national pride in the film’s star actor, Rain.

Rain, born Jung Jihoon, was raised in near poverty by a single mother stricken with diabetes. It is Rain’s unprecedented rise to international superstardom that has captured the hearts and imaginations of so many South Koreans. Truly a Cinderella story, Rain has inspired countless Koreans to reach beyond their limits and to never, never give up.

Lee Minhee, a Kyungsung University student has felt personally inspired by the young mogul in her own life. “They said to Rain, you are too ugly to be famous and so he got sexy. I was born short, but I now walk only in eight inch (20.3 cm) heels. Now I am tall.”

A growing point of contention has sprung up over Rain’s ninja character. Raizo, the ninja assassin turned ninja killer turned nice guy looking for a girlfriend, is of Japanese descent. The historical turmoil between Japan and Korea is still fresh in the minds of many Korean people. While many South Koreans have decided to let the past (several forced occupations, political prisons, endless torture, sex slavery, etc.) stay in the past and now look to a harmonious existence with Japan, a good number of Koreans still harbor some resentment.

Kim Bumshi, a somewhat elderly Korean man who rides his bicycle adorned from front to back with Korean flags through the streets of Busan held a less forgiving view point of Japan. When asked by a Dong Chim reporter where the post office is located he yelled, “Fuck you, Japan!” Mr. Kim declined further comment but did indicate with his middle finger what turned out to be the relative direction of the post office.

A movement among Korea’s active youth has taken hold and is spreading with impressive speed. The group has taken the popular idea behind the Dokdo is Ours campaign and is now claiming that all of Japan rightly belongs to the Korean people. The group has uncovered ancient documents stemming from just before the earliest Japanese documents. These documents, the group claims, prove indisputably that the land which is now known as Japan was granted to the superior Korean people by God Himself.

The group refused to produce the documents but assures us that they are real and signed by Jesus, Buddha, and Admiral Hiro Fukdanips.

John Kim, a Korean born but naturalized Canadian citizen, has been appointed English liaison for the group. “We are currently in the process of preparing our case for the World Court of International Boundary Disputes. Our documents are absolute proof of our right to the land which is currently known as Japan. The WCIBD will have no choice but to recognize our sovereignty.”

Rain was good enough to take time from his busy schedule to grant Dong Chim a phone interview:

DC: Rain, it is quite an honor to speak to you.

R: Yes, I’m sure it is.

DC: Rain, what are your opinions regarding South Korea’s claim that Japan rightly belongs to South Korea?

R: South Korea (long pause) I know South Korea, yeah my mom was from there.

DC: Yes sir, correct. Do you feel that South Korea’s claims may in fact prove legally sound?

R: What, um, yeah I’m sorry. I was just having sex with two 18 year old blond girls. What was the question?

DC: Do you feel that your country, South Korea, is acting within the confines of international law?

R: Country? I’m in Hollywood, baby. I mean South Korea is cool and all and I totally love my fans out there. Love you guys! But have you ever been a rich young celebrity in Hollywood? It’s like being a freaking god. No, it’s like being God. Capital “G” God.

evil-canada

While we at Dong Chim have acknowledged the world wide threat of terrorism, and individually have taken the necessary precautions to secure, as best is possible, our own personal safety, we have sadly and regrettably failed to foresee the possibility of an attack on our own small press. Yes, earlier this week Dong Chim was the victim of an unprovoked internet assault by a nomadic cell of Canadian terrorists.

Like the attacks on the World Trade Towers, damage was done, injuries incurred, lessons learned but the structure which exists beyond the visible and tangible remains intact and, in fact, strengthened.

It appears the Canadian terrorists, hating our message of free press and moved to rage by Toronto’s less than stellar hockey season, devised and implemented a massive bombardment of our server. A Dong Chim web-link was placed on a key website alerting both those knowingly involved and, sadly, many innocent browsers who just happened to unknowingly come across the link.

Our Server and landlord, Mrs. Lee, has been in near hysterics since the attack. She was alone at the time of the attack and was so overwhelmed by the amount of traffic that her ankle was sprained in the frey and two bowls of Chom-chi Chi-gae were spilled. Mrs. Lee wrote the following with a shaky pen and teary eyes. We did not ask her or encourage her to tell her story but it seemed to mean a great deal to her, and for that reason we decided that it deserved print. (Mrs. Lee is not fluent in English therefore some grammar was cleaned up and some vocabulary altered but we are 100% certain that what follows is completely in line with her intentions)

“I was alone in the restaurant when the buzzer started buzzing. I don’t mind helping the boys (Dong Chim) so I went into the back, to the big computer like I always do, rearranged the punch cards, checked the vacuum hoses, and pulled the lever. But it just kept happening. I was so afraid! Then customers came in and I had to serve their food but the big Computer kept beeping. It seemed ok at first until a piece of kimchi fell into the vacuum line and clogged it. And it just kept beeping. I feel so awful, I completely blame myself!”

Dong Chim has absolved Mrs. Lee of any and all wrong doings.

An unprecedented 28 individuals, nearly simultaneously, attempted to access our site. To put this into perspective for you luddites, our internationally visited site which has won numerous prestigious awards and the acclaim of many of our time’s greatest literary minds had, before the attack, a one day record of five visitors. Fortunately, Mrs. Lee is one of the most sought-after servers in the industry and was able to stave off the vast majority of the damage. Imagine the havoc that could have occurred had the assault been directed a smaller, less prepared site.

Our Key diagnostician, Gregory “House” McGuilicutty, spent two sleepless nights back-tracing the origin of the assault and is certain that the traffic, aside from our normal two hits a day, originated at one single web address.

Our lawyers, still building our civil case and working in tandem with several international agencies on the criminal case, have advised us to not to mention by name or inference or make any decipherable indications as to where exactly the focus of the investigation lies. However, like the God of the Old Testament we are a spiteful entity! And being largely an American based organization, it’s our nature when attacked to come back swinging at any and everything that even remotely resembles or might have done direct business/associated with/talked to or like, our enemies.

With our computer and our server (aside from a slight limp) up and running at full force and the latest of technological security measures installed — including a space age device called a “fire wall” -– we stand empowered and resolute against the cowardly nature of terrorism.

Before we post the link and information of the website which attempted to destroy the thing that we have worked so hard to build, we need to make clear that we cannot openly suggest or warrant any actions that could be deemed aggressive or illegal. We have the utmost faith in both the legal system and Karmic nature of the universe. However, if both of you, our diehard fans, were inclined on your own to rally a force and visit a similar attack as was felt here at Dong Chim we would have no sympathy for your victim.
http://roboseyo.blogspot.com/ we now know with certainty, is the sole entity responsible for our hardship. We don’t yet know everything about them but it is apparent that they move somewhat regularly and shiftily around the world and tend write in a long winded and airy manner. May God have mercy on you, roboseyo, because we will not!

Seoul Business

A select group of South Korea’s most promising young ladies are being considered for some of the country’s top positions. For the first time in the nation’s history, women will have the opportunity to work directly alongside their male counterparts as they deal with the countries intricate daily workings.

Korean press secretary, Park Dae-Hyun, is optimistic about his country’s forward thinking policies and proud to have been appointed to the selection committee. “Women have always been valued as essential to our culture,” he stated, “and now we are realizing that they can be more than things to make us babies and satisfy our desires. They can be static fixtures in our offices and aid in our unified goal of constant improvement.”

A total of thirty positions are being made available and will range in salary from W90,000,000 to W175,000,000. “As you can see,” Mr. Park told us, “these are some of the best jobs available to women anywhere in the world. All of these positions will be directly under, or even sometimes above, the most powerful and influential men in our country – in the world!”

“While the competition is expected to be intense,” Mr. Park explained, “we are encouraging all qualified women to apply.”

Korea’s official website (translated into English) cited the qualifications as follows:

* Between 18 and 24 years of age

* Weighing no more thatn 43 kilograms (95 pounds)

* An ability to work in very high heels

* Possessing an affable and passive nature

* The ability to speak at least two languages (not including Korean)

* A willingness to keep a secret at all costs

* Academic and professional qualifications specific to the job will be considered in the event of a tie

Before we had a chance to ask him, Mr. Park explained why such professional and elite positions would have such physical requirements. “These are some of the most powerful positions in our country. How could we entrust them to women that are unwilling or incapable of maintaining themselves in a decent manner? Our country deserves and demands the highest standards from all of its employees.”

The appointment committee will be composed of two-hundred and seventy-three current government employees, and will give each of the committee members an opportunity to interview all of the applicants in person, one at a time and in a place of his choosing. “We want our committee members to be intimately acquainted with all of the applicants so as best to be able to judge their characters and personal qualities.”

Desperate Buddhists Flock to Local Convenience Stores
Wonder Girls Address Issues Important to Korea’s Youth
Woman Beaten to Death by Mob of Citizens with Strong Beliefs in Tradition

22

By the hundreds and from around the world, despondent Buddhists have begun to gather outside of small South Korean convenience stores. Many of the men and women have been actively and faithfully pursuing the Way of the Buddha for the majority of their lives, but are just finding the waiting to be unbearable.

Ma Xi-ken, the eldest of a group of Chinese Buddhists who have recently set up a make-shift altar on a flimsy blue plastic table, was eager to speak about just why he and his people have made the long journey to South Korea. “All my life,” he told this reporter in broken English, “I have sought the Way of the Buddha. I pray. I meditate. I abstain. And now in my 95th year I feel no closer to understanding than I did when I was twenty. I just want to know, before I die, what it all means. And if it costs me everything I have it is a small price to pay”

What exactly has drawn Mr. Ma and so many like him is the popular South Korean convenience store chain Buy-the-Way. The company is a ubiquitous landmark across the country and its biggest seller of intensely sweet raspberry flavored wine. An extensive search into the thriving business’s advertising campaign revealed that the company has never offered enlightenment amongst its products, which include mostly such staples as banana flavored milk and portioned imitation crab meat.

However, the company’s CEO, Mr. Park Ji-hoon, does not “discount” the possibility. True to the nature of any successful Korean Businessman, Mr. Park is ready to adapt and exploit the ever changing market. “If there are people wanting to buy a product then we want to sell it to them. And sell it at a price they can afford and at unparalleled quality. But-the-Way is dedicated to serving its customers in all of their consumer needs, both physical and spiritual.”

A young counter jockey, who goes by the western name “Terminator,” working part-time in one of the ninety-five Buy-the-Ways in the Gangnam area of Seoul, had very little to say about the group of elderly Chinese chanting outside of the store’s glass door way. “I mean, like, if we have it,” Terminator said, “and they want to buy it, I don’t really see a problem.” Terminator then put his MP3 ear buds back into his ears and was unavailable for further comment.

Buy-the-Way has subsequently announced that it is actively and passionately pursuing the development of several products aimed at the emerging market. While no specific products were mentioned, there have been well substantiated rumors of a new Buy-the-Way brand of cigarettes to be called “holy smokes” and a new drink called “so-ju want to experience nirvana?”

An at press attempt to contact Terminator was met with sad news. Terminator, since learning that long time FT Island guitarist Wonbin has decided to leave the group, has barricaded himself within his room, refusing both food and water. “There’s just no point to any of it,” he says again and again, “it just doesn’t make any damned sense.”