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Wa Bar, Korea’s foreigner hotspot, has been chosen as the lucky new location of MTV’s popular reality show, The Real World. Wa Bar competed against two other popular Korean bars, Dublin Bar and Foreign Happy Fun Sparkle Bar as the location for the reality show. The cast will live above a yet unspecified branch located somewhere in Korea’s largest city, Seoul. This season will be the first of to be filmed in Asia.

Upon hearing the news, War bar officials were delighted. President, Johnny D. Bagtevich stated, “It will be great for viewers across the world to see what it is really like for foreigners living in Korea. Many people do not realize the perplexity one encounters when working and living in another country.”

Real World producer, Dick Derrick, explained a few of the reasons why Wa Bar was chosen, “Wa Bar will be a great place for the cast to reside. The bar really exemplifies the customs and culinary traditions specific to the Korean culture. Also, viewers can witness character revealing and beautifully telling moments, such as when cast members try to order food and booze in Korean. Cast members are encouraged to interact with Koreans in the bar, even though this will most certainly be extremely arduous (and hilarious).”

The cast of this season’s Real World, which has already been selected, are mostly military personnel stationed in Korea or western “unemployables” teaching in Korea. The selected cast went through a rigorous selection process and the requirements for cast members were extremely particular. Women had to be at least 5’8” and men 6’2”. Real World hopefuls also had to compete in a fitness test, which consisted of them taking off their shirts while competing in drinking games; only those with the best combination of sex appeal and reckless drunkenness were chosen. Those with very high IQs were not considered for the show on the well-founded basis that they were probably really boring.

New cast member, Tina Haring, from Halifax, Nova Scotia, says she is still in shock from being chosen. “I can’t fucking wait,” she exclaimed, “OMG! I just can’t wait to party, like everyday. We are living above a bar, how sweet is that?” Bob Long, a soldier from Texas and fellow cast member, was also flabbergasted upon hearing the news, “This will be fucking great. Wa Bar has Red Bull and vodka! And I can’t wait to nail some Korean bitches!” Candy Hollow, fellow cast member, upon reading the suggestion for cast members to interact with Koreans in the bar asked, “Wait, do Koreans actually go in War Bar, really? I never saw one there before.”

Real World co-producer, Sally Strawford, is especially excited for this season of the Real World. “This season is going to be very eclectic and very different from previous seasons.” Real World Korea will have eight cast members (five girls and three guys). This season includes a poet, a ditsy super hot former cheerleader, a white supremacist warmonger, a former Black Panther, a metro sexual, a catholic, a women’s rights activist, and a PETA representative. “And three of them,” Sally told us with an “on the sly” hand gesture, “will actually be Oriental. We are really pushing some demographic barriers here.”

Cast members are not only provided with free housing, but also an unlimited supply of free alcohol (courtesy of Wa Bar). This season is also sponsored by The United Colors of Benetton and each cast member will be required to wear only Benetton clothing. As the season progresses we will update Dong Chim readers of hook-ups between cast members and local bar-goers, and, of course, any fights that may ensue.

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While we at Dong Chim have acknowledged the world wide threat of terrorism, and individually have taken the necessary precautions to secure, as best is possible, our own personal safety, we have sadly and regrettably failed to foresee the possibility of an attack on our own small press. Yes, earlier this week Dong Chim was the victim of an unprovoked internet assault by a nomadic cell of Canadian terrorists.

Like the attacks on the World Trade Towers, damage was done, injuries incurred, lessons learned but the structure which exists beyond the visible and tangible remains intact and, in fact, strengthened.

It appears the Canadian terrorists, hating our message of free press and moved to rage by Toronto’s less than stellar hockey season, devised and implemented a massive bombardment of our server. A Dong Chim web-link was placed on a key website alerting both those knowingly involved and, sadly, many innocent browsers who just happened to unknowingly come across the link.

Our Server and landlord, Mrs. Lee, has been in near hysterics since the attack. She was alone at the time of the attack and was so overwhelmed by the amount of traffic that her ankle was sprained in the frey and two bowls of Chom-chi Chi-gae were spilled. Mrs. Lee wrote the following with a shaky pen and teary eyes. We did not ask her or encourage her to tell her story but it seemed to mean a great deal to her, and for that reason we decided that it deserved print. (Mrs. Lee is not fluent in English therefore some grammar was cleaned up and some vocabulary altered but we are 100% certain that what follows is completely in line with her intentions)

“I was alone in the restaurant when the buzzer started buzzing. I don’t mind helping the boys (Dong Chim) so I went into the back, to the big computer like I always do, rearranged the punch cards, checked the vacuum hoses, and pulled the lever. But it just kept happening. I was so afraid! Then customers came in and I had to serve their food but the big Computer kept beeping. It seemed ok at first until a piece of kimchi fell into the vacuum line and clogged it. And it just kept beeping. I feel so awful, I completely blame myself!”

Dong Chim has absolved Mrs. Lee of any and all wrong doings.

An unprecedented 28 individuals, nearly simultaneously, attempted to access our site. To put this into perspective for you luddites, our internationally visited site which has won numerous prestigious awards and the acclaim of many of our time’s greatest literary minds had, before the attack, a one day record of five visitors. Fortunately, Mrs. Lee is one of the most sought-after servers in the industry and was able to stave off the vast majority of the damage. Imagine the havoc that could have occurred had the assault been directed a smaller, less prepared site.

Our Key diagnostician, Gregory “House” McGuilicutty, spent two sleepless nights back-tracing the origin of the assault and is certain that the traffic, aside from our normal two hits a day, originated at one single web address.

Our lawyers, still building our civil case and working in tandem with several international agencies on the criminal case, have advised us to not to mention by name or inference or make any decipherable indications as to where exactly the focus of the investigation lies. However, like the God of the Old Testament we are a spiteful entity! And being largely an American based organization, it’s our nature when attacked to come back swinging at any and everything that even remotely resembles or might have done direct business/associated with/talked to or like, our enemies.

With our computer and our server (aside from a slight limp) up and running at full force and the latest of technological security measures installed — including a space age device called a “fire wall” -– we stand empowered and resolute against the cowardly nature of terrorism.

Before we post the link and information of the website which attempted to destroy the thing that we have worked so hard to build, we need to make clear that we cannot openly suggest or warrant any actions that could be deemed aggressive or illegal. We have the utmost faith in both the legal system and Karmic nature of the universe. However, if both of you, our diehard fans, were inclined on your own to rally a force and visit a similar attack as was felt here at Dong Chim we would have no sympathy for your victim.
http://roboseyo.blogspot.com/ we now know with certainty, is the sole entity responsible for our hardship. We don’t yet know everything about them but it is apparent that they move somewhat regularly and shiftily around the world and tend write in a long winded and airy manner. May God have mercy on you, roboseyo, because we will not!

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The Dong Chim general staff has moved its offices to Busan. And though we are loving the beaches, the slightly warmer weather, the cleaner air, less traffic, way nicer housing, generally just nicer people, less metro man-bag carrying cock-knockers, hiking, fresh seafood, the clean crisp taste of a sea breeze, and the throngs of huge breasted and well lubricated mermaids that live only to satisfy our ever whim, we do acknowledge that we have been extremely lax in site maintenance.

While we, at this time, do not have any of our signature wares to offer, we do have this picture. It was taken in Gangnam during our farewell to Seoul drink-a-thon. This photo has not been altered in any way. The picture below is the name of the establishment. We did not enter and do not have any information on what exactly is sold within.

If any of you ladies (or gentlemen, I suppose) would like directions please feel free to email our P.R. director Jason, at dongchim@ymail.com.

We pledge to track down our writing core, sober them up, and beat the funny out of them as quickly as humanly possible. Please bear with us during this transitional phase.

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The founder of Mr. Pizza, Kim Duck-Young, has changed the company’s slogan from “Love for Women” to “Hate for Women” after finding out that his wife of twenty years has been having an affair with a stout, hairy beast of a woman. The change has angered women all over Korea and has lead to a mounting number of protests in the City Hall area. However, a growing number of men who have been burned by this latest of Western plagues – Lesbianism — have embraced the new slogan.

Along with the change in slogan, the famous pizza chain has also made several notable changes to the menu. A number of new pizzas have been added such as the “Burn in Hell” pizza, a tasty pie covered in spicy red sauce and topped with habanera peppers. For the experientialist out there, why not try the “Die Bitch” pie, this is topped with pretty pink hearts and tetrodotoxin from the “super yum-yum tasty part” of the blowfish. Or why not try the “Your Ass is Fat” pizza, an extra oily pie topped with bacon, bacon grease, mayonnaise, and ranch dressing. The chain has also added a lunch special called “Two Timing Tramp,” offering two of the new pizzas for the price of one. The “I Hope you get Herpes” pie is reportedly still in the works but is due out by Valentine’s Day.

The pizza boxes have likewise been redesigned to fit with the new slogan. Instead of saying:

“Mr. Pizza knows how to please women

because he understands them and knows what they want.

Because he cares about women, Mr. Pizza strives

to make a more delicious pizza.

Now, fall in love with the taste of Mr. Pizza.”

the boxes will now say:

“Mr. Pizza didn’t know his wife was such a dirty whore.

He bought her nice things and did everything she asked.

All of a sudden the tramp decided she liked vagina.

Mr. Pizza is all alone, all alone, all alone.

Hope you enjoy your fat, butch new lover, you stupid bitch.”

Along with the change in menu and slogan, the chain now refuses to hire any women and women are encouraged never ever to not go into any Mr. Pizzas, unless they want roofied and a ride “on the train.”

Duck Young Kim has refused an interview with us, saying that he was too busy drinking whisky and watching his wedding videos.

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A 23 year old Canadian ex-pat, who asked to be referred to as simply “Frank Teacher,” was moved to micturition by his young student’s search for a missing paper cut-out of a planet. The school, understandably, has asked us not use its name in our report. And somewhat surprisingly, the Canadian consulate sent us a rather lengthy and detailed report stating, in detail, that Canadians are no more prone to pissing their pants than any other people. However, the British government has, incidentally and for apparently no reason at all, acknowledged that its citizens, when intoxicated, are apt to soil themselves at a rate ten times the world average.

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Frank Teacher told us, wearing his pressed work shirt and a fresh bought pair of sweat pants. “They were just gluing the planets on the piece of paper, making the solar system, you know, when it just all went crazy.”

“I don’t have your anus,” is what Frank Teacher initially heard the young student say. Of course, the young boy was referring to the planet, Uranus, but Frank Teacher was apparently caught off-guard by the loud and unexpected statement.

“I think if it would have just stopped there, it would have been fine,” Frank Teacher told us.

But no, it didn’t stop there. Not by a long shot. What follows is Frank Teacher’s recollection of what transpired between the initial child and the rest of the class. All of the children’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

“I don’t have your anus,” George Bush said, standing up, directing the statement to the young boy across from him. “I don’t know where it is. Oh no! Where is your anus?”

“Sit down,” said Kirk Cameron, who was sitting across from George. “Your anus is right there. Right there on the table next to your crayon.”

“That’s not your anus,” George retorted. “That’s just a piece of garbage paper. Teacher! Teacher, I can’t find your anus.”

Frank Teacher at this point was still “holding it together” and had, reportedly, simply and calmly told the young boy to sit down and use the planets that he had in front of him.

But true to form, George Bush was not about to listen to reason. He threw up his chubby hands and began shouting, “I need your anus! I can’t do this without your anus! I need your anus, it goes right here! Your anus has to go right here!”

The rest of the class, consisting of Ann Coulter, Mr. Wizard, three Dallas Cowboys, the lead singer of 80’s sensation Oingo Boingo, and a number of the unnamed cast member of ABC’s hit TV show LOST that appeared suddenly only to be killed off mysteriously, all began to address young George’s panic.

“It’s OK,” assured Ann Coulter, “you don’t need your anus.”

“Don’t worry, your anus is stupid. It’s the stupidest one of all,” said Mr. Wizard.

“You’re stupid,” said quarterback Tony Romo. “He needs your anus, Ann Coulter. He can’t make the stars without your anus.”

“Give him your your anus then,” Ann replied and threw her eraser at Tony Romo’s head, unintentionally hitting the random guy who was killed by a flaming arrow in this season’s LOST.

So on and so forth. Frank Teacher admitted to us that he completely lost control of his class. “I just stood there,” he said, “I mean I was laughing a little at first, like to myself, but it just kept going and going. Everyone was shouting about Uranus. And when that fucking kid starting crying, screaming, ‘I need your anus. Where is your anus?’ I just lost it. I just doubled over, and well, I pissed myself. What the fuck. Shit.”

Frank Teacher has, with the consent of his Principal who has started calling him “Francy Pants,” decided to forego the rest of the space section.

The French consulate, on hearing of Frank Teacher’s new nick name, has released a statement supporting the pissing of pants as both an artistic expression and “an intelligent and reasoned response to educating.”

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Kim Jong-Il, North Korea’s despotic ruler, has released a public statement offering his support to the Arizona Cardinals in this Sunday’s Super Bowl. The reclusive leader has never publically taken an interest in American football before, and has in fact denounced almost all things American as evil and beneath him. He has, however, admitted to being a fan of Western movies and reportedly exclaimed “oh yes! Oh my God, that is amazing!” when seeing Katie Holmes bare her breasts in the movie, The Gift.

Coming on the back of President Obama’s public support of the Arizona Cardinal’s rival, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Mr. Kim’s announcement shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to those that have studied his historical political tactics.

North Korea’s press secretary, Shin Young-Hee, addressed Kim Jong-Il’s announcement in a public forum on Friday. “Our exalted leader wishes to extend the powerful arm of friendship to the recently abandoned peoples of the Arizona Cardinals.” He went on to read a statement written by Kim Jong-Il himself. “People of the Arizona Cardinal, your country has abandoned you. Your President Obama has denounced you in public and damned you to hell in private.” The statement went on to offer the Arizona Cardinals “intense and devastating support” if they would decide to secede from the United States and riches beyond imagination if they were to join the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Former President, George W. Bush, who has had eight years of dealings with Kim Jong-Il, found time in his hectic post-presidential schedule to discuss this surprising announcement.

“That guy,” President Bush exclaimed with a snicker and an excited hand gesture. “Thanks for talking to me, by the way. I’ve been so damned lonely lately. That guy,” he continued, “you just never know what he’s thinking. As soon as you think he’s gonna zig and blow up them Seoul Chinamen, he zags opens up his nuclear facilities to our inspectors. That guy,” he went on, “he’s something else.”

President Bush then chuckled to himself, oblivious to further questions, in apparent deep reflection, until our reporting staff quietly showed themselves out.

While Kim Jong-Il’s announcement has already caught the attention of most of the mainstream press, a sharp eye in the Dong Chim look-at-pictures-all-day department has just unveiled a startling and revealing fact. Within the official picture released by the North Korean government (shown above), in which the leader is seen lounging in his freshly painted “I love the Arizona Cardinals Lounge,” a beverage which should look very familiar to any Pittsburgh Steelers fan can be seen. A frosty cold Iron City beer, in the company’s trademark aluminum bottle, is clearly visible just out of reach of the powerful man’s hand.

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An attempt to contact the North Korean government for clarification was met with a death threat and what sounded like gun fire in the background.

Keith “Big Kevin” O’Conners, the director of the distribution warehouse at the Iron City Brewery claims to get an annual order five hundred cases of “Ahrn Pounders” from the diminutive dictator. When confronted with the illegality of selling beer to North Korea, due to a current U.S. trade embargo, Mr. O’Conners directed us to the head of the Local Brewers Union. Jim “Big Jimbo” Murphy granted us an interview and then threatened to kick our asses and the asses of any government sissy that thinks he can tell his union members who they can sell their “shit” to.

While Kim Jong-Il’s taste for the Steel City’s beer may not necessarily imply a deeper interest in its football team, it certainly raises some interesting questions. Is it possible that an expressed and shared interest in the Pittsburgh Steelers football team could have been a bonding issue for the new president and his North Korean counterpart — a neutral ground to have begun the healing? And conversely, could this announced support for the Arizona Cardinals lead to a furthering of the divide which is already so deep between the two countries? Only time will tell.

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A recent study conducted by the Bayer Corporation, the producer of the erectile dysfunction drug Levitra, has concluded that Korean men are the world’s most selfish in bed, which as a result has produced more late night dirty massage parlors in Korea. The survey compared the “vitalsexual” tendencies of 8, 5000 men in 12 countries. The term “vitalsexual” was coined in a study called “Sex and the Modern Man,” in which the term is used to describe middle-aged men who still value a healthy sex life and are willing to take erectile producing drugs if so needed.

The survey, which was implemented in 12 different countries, asked if they thought their partner’s satisfaction was an important factor in their sex life. Out of all twelve countries Korean ranked last, with only 87% saying that their partner’s satisfaction was of any significance (english.chosun.com).

The survey also asked, “Is it essential to take a partner’s satisfaction into consideration when having sex?” 60 percent of German respondents said yes, placing the country in the first place, ahead of Brazilians (59 percent), Spain (56 percent) and Mexico (46 percent). But only 30 percent of Korean men thought their partner’s satisfaction was important enough to be labeled essential (english.chosun.com).

A study done later by a nonprofit organization that promotes extramarital sex, “We Love you Short Time,” linked the communities that were surveyed in Korea by Bayer and the number of double barber pole massage parlors in the surrounding areas. The study surprisingly found that the areas in which men placed little importance on partner satisfaction were saturated with dual barber pole establishments.

Baek Bo-Bae of Gangnam was interviewed after she was told by several neighbors that her husband frequents “barber pole alley.” When asked her thoughts on her husband going astray she stated, “I do not care, he sucks in bed. I told him to go, I feel bad for the poor prostitute.”

Lee Ha-Neul of Suseo stated a need for more Red Hot Model Bars within communities infected with sexually untalented Korean males. “We need to be satisfied; maybe they could find some German “models” to satisfy us women in these establishments.”

Dirty massage parlor owners around Korea, though, are taking advantage of the boost in sales by launching a huge ad campaign titled, “Selfish sex – Just do it quickly – You have to be at work in two hours.”

Bayer Study Link

Seoul Business

A select group of South Korea’s most promising young ladies are being considered for some of the country’s top positions. For the first time in the nation’s history, women will have the opportunity to work directly alongside their male counterparts as they deal with the countries intricate daily workings.

Korean press secretary, Park Dae-Hyun, is optimistic about his country’s forward thinking policies and proud to have been appointed to the selection committee. “Women have always been valued as essential to our culture,” he stated, “and now we are realizing that they can be more than things to make us babies and satisfy our desires. They can be static fixtures in our offices and aid in our unified goal of constant improvement.”

A total of thirty positions are being made available and will range in salary from W90,000,000 to W175,000,000. “As you can see,” Mr. Park told us, “these are some of the best jobs available to women anywhere in the world. All of these positions will be directly under, or even sometimes above, the most powerful and influential men in our country – in the world!”

“While the competition is expected to be intense,” Mr. Park explained, “we are encouraging all qualified women to apply.”

Korea’s official website (translated into English) cited the qualifications as follows:

* Between 18 and 24 years of age

* Weighing no more thatn 43 kilograms (95 pounds)

* An ability to work in very high heels

* Possessing an affable and passive nature

* The ability to speak at least two languages (not including Korean)

* A willingness to keep a secret at all costs

* Academic and professional qualifications specific to the job will be considered in the event of a tie

Before we had a chance to ask him, Mr. Park explained why such professional and elite positions would have such physical requirements. “These are some of the most powerful positions in our country. How could we entrust them to women that are unwilling or incapable of maintaining themselves in a decent manner? Our country deserves and demands the highest standards from all of its employees.”

The appointment committee will be composed of two-hundred and seventy-three current government employees, and will give each of the committee members an opportunity to interview all of the applicants in person, one at a time and in a place of his choosing. “We want our committee members to be intimately acquainted with all of the applicants so as best to be able to judge their characters and personal qualities.”

Desperate Buddhists Flock to Local Convenience Stores
Wonder Girls Address Issues Important to Korea’s Youth
Woman Beaten to Death by Mob of Citizens with Strong Beliefs in Tradition

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A violent, unprovoked, and deadly beating was meted out today by a small group of Korean citizens, which included a woman of over ninety years and the victim’s own husband.

The victim, 23 year old Kim Min-ju, was reportedly walking very quickly and neither meandering nor attempting to text on her cellular phone.

“Who does she think she is?” her husband of two and a half years asked. “Where is she going so quickly? Doesn’t she even care enough about her mother’s new purse to phone her and ask her about it?”

Reports from a witness claim that ninety-two year old Park Jin-hee was the first to hit the young woman. She reportedly stood in the young woman’s path, which was easy to do because of her “straight line” style of walking, and without warning punched the woman in the throat with a closed fist.

As the old woman continued to strike and kick the prostrate woman a crowd of passersby quickly stood around the spectacle, blocking the sidewalk to traffic.

“At first I thought the old woman was crazy,” a woman who asked not to be identified said, “but when I saw that she (Kim Min-ju) didn’t have a single Louis Vuitton accessory and that she had no visible hand phone, it all made sense.” The woman then claims that she began pressing her four inch heals into the crying woman’s temple. “I mean,” she went on to explain, “does she really think she’s better than we are?”

Kim Min-ju’s husband was the last of the crowd to strike her and claims to have dealt the final blow. “I felt horrible about it, I did, but we have a way of doing things here. We just, we just can’t tolerate certain behaviors.”

An elderly man who was not physically involved in the fray due to chronic chest congestion which causes him to constantly hack up small pieces of sputum and spit them in public places, said that he had no sympathy for the victim. “For centuries,” he explained, “we, as a people, have perfected our complex algorithmic slow paced meander to confound the outsiders and to prove that Korea is the greatest nation in the universe. This woman was one of us and she understood the consequences of her actions.”

Due to the husband’s active involvement, the Seoul police have decided not to press criminal charges.“We do not interfere in domestic disturbances,” they stated in a public release. ” A marriage is a sacred and personal thing.”

The Wonder Girls, Korea’s famous 16 year old girl group, has decided to write lyrics based more on the issues that young women deal with today. The Wonder Girls’ recent song, “So Hot,” is a bit of a memoir for the talented ladies with the song discussing the members own self esteem and body issues.

“What should I do? I think everybody likes me

Oh, no, please leave me alone!

All the boys be loving me, girls be hating me

They will never stop ‘cause they know, I’m so hot, hot.”

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