Posts Tagged ‘coulter’


A 23 year old Canadian ex-pat, who asked to be referred to as simply “Frank Teacher,” was moved to micturition by his young student’s search for a missing paper cut-out of a planet. The school, understandably, has asked us not use its name in our report. And somewhat surprisingly, the Canadian consulate sent us a rather lengthy and detailed report stating, in detail, that Canadians are no more prone to pissing their pants than any other people. However, the British government has, incidentally and for apparently no reason at all, acknowledged that its citizens, when intoxicated, are apt to soil themselves at a rate ten times the world average.

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Frank Teacher told us, wearing his pressed work shirt and a fresh bought pair of sweat pants. “They were just gluing the planets on the piece of paper, making the solar system, you know, when it just all went crazy.”

“I don’t have your anus,” is what Frank Teacher initially heard the young student say. Of course, the young boy was referring to the planet, Uranus, but Frank Teacher was apparently caught off-guard by the loud and unexpected statement.

“I think if it would have just stopped there, it would have been fine,” Frank Teacher told us.

But no, it didn’t stop there. Not by a long shot. What follows is Frank Teacher’s recollection of what transpired between the initial child and the rest of the class. All of the children’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

“I don’t have your anus,” George Bush said, standing up, directing the statement to the young boy across from him. “I don’t know where it is. Oh no! Where is your anus?”

“Sit down,” said Kirk Cameron, who was sitting across from George. “Your anus is right there. Right there on the table next to your crayon.”

“That’s not your anus,” George retorted. “That’s just a piece of garbage paper. Teacher! Teacher, I can’t find your anus.”

Frank Teacher at this point was still “holding it together” and had, reportedly, simply and calmly told the young boy to sit down and use the planets that he had in front of him.

But true to form, George Bush was not about to listen to reason. He threw up his chubby hands and began shouting, “I need your anus! I can’t do this without your anus! I need your anus, it goes right here! Your anus has to go right here!”

The rest of the class, consisting of Ann Coulter, Mr. Wizard, three Dallas Cowboys, the lead singer of 80’s sensation Oingo Boingo, and a number of the unnamed cast member of ABC’s hit TV show LOST that appeared suddenly only to be killed off mysteriously, all began to address young George’s panic.

“It’s OK,” assured Ann Coulter, “you don’t need your anus.”

“Don’t worry, your anus is stupid. It’s the stupidest one of all,” said Mr. Wizard.

“You’re stupid,” said quarterback Tony Romo. “He needs your anus, Ann Coulter. He can’t make the stars without your anus.”

“Give him your your anus then,” Ann replied and threw her eraser at Tony Romo’s head, unintentionally hitting the random guy who was killed by a flaming arrow in this season’s LOST.

So on and so forth. Frank Teacher admitted to us that he completely lost control of his class. “I just stood there,” he said, “I mean I was laughing a little at first, like to myself, but it just kept going and going. Everyone was shouting about Uranus. And when that fucking kid starting crying, screaming, ‘I need your anus. Where is your anus?’ I just lost it. I just doubled over, and well, I pissed myself. What the fuck. Shit.”

Frank Teacher has, with the consent of his Principal who has started calling him “Francy Pants,” decided to forego the rest of the space section.

The French consulate, on hearing of Frank Teacher’s new nick name, has released a statement supporting the pissing of pants as both an artistic expression and “an intelligent and reasoned response to educating.”