Posts Tagged ‘dong chim’

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In a not so surprising report released by two independent research groups, riding a moped, even in Korea where it seems most everyone does it, is still incredibly lame. The two groups, HCBH (Hot Chicks Back Home) and HCiK (Hot Chicks in Korea) represent, respectively, both the girls that were deemed hot in their home countries and those whose relative hotness has increased substantially by the general lack of fine western trim here in Korea.

The accepted simile back home was that riding a moped was like banging a fat chick: Probably a lot of fun but not something you’d want you friends to see you doing. And whether it is the abundance of mopeds, which might give the impression of coolness in Korea or the ratio of available fatties, which has greatly increased the number of times most all of us have had to make that most regrettable of late night decisions – hogging which, becoming more of a norm, acted upon our subconscious fat-girl:moped ratio and caused our perception of the mopeds social acceptability to alter, no one can say.

Despite the reasons why the moped has garnered some level of acceptability, the hot chick collaboration claims that riding a moped is still “totally lame.”

In a reply to the idea that a thing like riding a moped (or banging a fat chick) can become cool in specific locations or under specific circumstances, Misty Johansson, the president of HCBH, said, “look, if you’re stranded on a mountain top with your brother and are forced to share body heat to survive, and when the proximal heat isn’t enough you find yourself compelled to engage in no-lube incestuous sodomy (sodomy to avoid the possibility of birthing an unholy freak), you might be doing exactly the same thing that anyone in your position would do. You might be doing the very thing you need to do to survive, but it still isn’t even close to being cool. I mean you’re letting your brother bang you in the ass, that’s just gross!”

A third group, MACDSE (Mediocre American Chicks Digging Skinny Europeans), a group composed of chubby, homely girls with disproportionate bodies and bushy eyebrows that are turned on by skinny European guys in tight jeans, wearing scarves and plaid, gave a contesting report praising the sexy potential of mopeds. The report was promptly ignored for obvious reasons. (Who the F cares what ugly chicks think?)

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evil-canada

While we at Dong Chim have acknowledged the world wide threat of terrorism, and individually have taken the necessary precautions to secure, as best is possible, our own personal safety, we have sadly and regrettably failed to foresee the possibility of an attack on our own small press. Yes, earlier this week Dong Chim was the victim of an unprovoked internet assault by a nomadic cell of Canadian terrorists.

Like the attacks on the World Trade Towers, damage was done, injuries incurred, lessons learned but the structure which exists beyond the visible and tangible remains intact and, in fact, strengthened.

It appears the Canadian terrorists, hating our message of free press and moved to rage by Toronto’s less than stellar hockey season, devised and implemented a massive bombardment of our server. A Dong Chim web-link was placed on a key website alerting both those knowingly involved and, sadly, many innocent browsers who just happened to unknowingly come across the link.

Our Server and landlord, Mrs. Lee, has been in near hysterics since the attack. She was alone at the time of the attack and was so overwhelmed by the amount of traffic that her ankle was sprained in the frey and two bowls of Chom-chi Chi-gae were spilled. Mrs. Lee wrote the following with a shaky pen and teary eyes. We did not ask her or encourage her to tell her story but it seemed to mean a great deal to her, and for that reason we decided that it deserved print. (Mrs. Lee is not fluent in English therefore some grammar was cleaned up and some vocabulary altered but we are 100% certain that what follows is completely in line with her intentions)

“I was alone in the restaurant when the buzzer started buzzing. I don’t mind helping the boys (Dong Chim) so I went into the back, to the big computer like I always do, rearranged the punch cards, checked the vacuum hoses, and pulled the lever. But it just kept happening. I was so afraid! Then customers came in and I had to serve their food but the big Computer kept beeping. It seemed ok at first until a piece of kimchi fell into the vacuum line and clogged it. And it just kept beeping. I feel so awful, I completely blame myself!”

Dong Chim has absolved Mrs. Lee of any and all wrong doings.

An unprecedented 28 individuals, nearly simultaneously, attempted to access our site. To put this into perspective for you luddites, our internationally visited site which has won numerous prestigious awards and the acclaim of many of our time’s greatest literary minds had, before the attack, a one day record of five visitors. Fortunately, Mrs. Lee is one of the most sought-after servers in the industry and was able to stave off the vast majority of the damage. Imagine the havoc that could have occurred had the assault been directed a smaller, less prepared site.

Our Key diagnostician, Gregory “House” McGuilicutty, spent two sleepless nights back-tracing the origin of the assault and is certain that the traffic, aside from our normal two hits a day, originated at one single web address.

Our lawyers, still building our civil case and working in tandem with several international agencies on the criminal case, have advised us to not to mention by name or inference or make any decipherable indications as to where exactly the focus of the investigation lies. However, like the God of the Old Testament we are a spiteful entity! And being largely an American based organization, it’s our nature when attacked to come back swinging at any and everything that even remotely resembles or might have done direct business/associated with/talked to or like, our enemies.

With our computer and our server (aside from a slight limp) up and running at full force and the latest of technological security measures installed — including a space age device called a “fire wall” -– we stand empowered and resolute against the cowardly nature of terrorism.

Before we post the link and information of the website which attempted to destroy the thing that we have worked so hard to build, we need to make clear that we cannot openly suggest or warrant any actions that could be deemed aggressive or illegal. We have the utmost faith in both the legal system and Karmic nature of the universe. However, if both of you, our diehard fans, were inclined on your own to rally a force and visit a similar attack as was felt here at Dong Chim we would have no sympathy for your victim.
http://roboseyo.blogspot.com/ we now know with certainty, is the sole entity responsible for our hardship. We don’t yet know everything about them but it is apparent that they move somewhat regularly and shiftily around the world and tend write in a long winded and airy manner. May God have mercy on you, roboseyo, because we will not!

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The Dong Chim general staff has moved its offices to Busan. And though we are loving the beaches, the slightly warmer weather, the cleaner air, less traffic, way nicer housing, generally just nicer people, less metro man-bag carrying cock-knockers, hiking, fresh seafood, the clean crisp taste of a sea breeze, and the throngs of huge breasted and well lubricated mermaids that live only to satisfy our ever whim, we do acknowledge that we have been extremely lax in site maintenance.

While we, at this time, do not have any of our signature wares to offer, we do have this picture. It was taken in Gangnam during our farewell to Seoul drink-a-thon. This photo has not been altered in any way. The picture below is the name of the establishment. We did not enter and do not have any information on what exactly is sold within.

If any of you ladies (or gentlemen, I suppose) would like directions please feel free to email our P.R. director Jason, at dongchim@ymail.com.

We pledge to track down our writing core, sober them up, and beat the funny out of them as quickly as humanly possible. Please bear with us during this transitional phase.

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