Posts Tagged ‘esl’


As I sit outside on my small balcony garden tonight, in my comfortable blue beach chair with a pitcher of Cass to my side and the glowing ember and tough earthy smell of mosquito repellent in front of me with the scenic, reflective river view from my 22nd floor apartment and the slowest most patient sea breeze passing by, it breaks my heart to announce that my beloved South Korea stands on the brink of civil war.

While my nature as a pacifist and a happy-go-lucky drunk would normally preempt my involvement, or active interest in anything so politically volatile, I feel compelled to do my part. My part, which will never be to wield the implement of destruction or stand cool-eyed and steadfast against an aggressor, must be, can only be to report the facts in the same hardnosed, unbiased, emotionally absent and articulate manner you have come to expect.

In most civil wars the lines of opposition can be hazy. Rarely is the pretext clear, and rarely is the onus distinctive enough to allow easy separation of the sides. This war, however, is different.

The first side: (given deference (titled as “first side”) only out of home-field respect) the Idiots at Anti-English Spectrum (IaAES). The other side: the Idiots at Dave’s Esl Café (IaDEC).

The ultra nationalistic homogenites of the IaAES became outraged four years back when photographs of young Korean women drinking and frolicking with young Western men were posted on a public forum. Their argument then, as it is today is: Stop wooing our innocent young girls with your fancy swagger and worldly ideas.

In response, whether direct or organically occurring, the rival idiots invented the new derogatory word “Kimberly,” a feminization of the common Korean surname, Kim, to emasculate both any particular Korean they felt threatened by, and any group that spoke out against Western teachers.

The Korean idiots began working tirelessly, spreading baseless rumors against unnamed foreign sex fiends, citing horrific never substantiated rumors, and stalking those they suspected of doing drugs or working illegally.

The Western idiots began calling the 40 year old leader of the Korean idiots a “virgin.”

The IaAES flexed their political muscle recently by popularizing the notion that Western teachers are oozing AIDS, and spearheaded the mandatory AIDS test for all E-2 applicants.

The IaDEC continued to expound on and exaggerate every possible negative facet of living in Korea. Their general argument being, that all Koreans are repressed, drunken, rude, unsophisticated cheats that are incapable of conceptualizing the world in the sophisticated manner to which they are accustomed. They then went on to label any Westerners voicing an opinion even vaguely in favor of not demeaning the people and the country that has given us homes and jobs as “apologists.”

The IaAES has recently taken to translating several of the IaDEC’s internet posts, and commenting endlessly on the idiocy contained within.

The IaDEC initially lambasted the Korean idiots for taking the time and effort to translate what, were in truth, some of their more tame posts. And has since then made several calls for able people to translate what is being posted on the AES website so that they can read what the enemy is saying and comment endlessly on it.

To date: the IaAES continues to romanticize the tyranny of the Western teacher, and the IaDEC constantly tries to prove themselves to be the biggest spoiled douche bags in the world.

What is important for us, the people who are not idiots, to remember is that these idiots do, in fact, represent us. Every time some New Jersey frat boy makes his way to Seoul and posts some question about the best ways to “bang Korean chicks” he represents all of us and makes us look like idiots. And for you, our educated Korean readers, every time some closed minded Korean man, desperate not to have his innocent Han flowers plucked, plucked, passed by the foreign devil, writes detailed baseless lies, he represents you and makes you look like an idiot.

And while I’m certain that this social issue will not be quashed entirely during my tenure in Korea, I would like to suggest one single idea which I hope might help some amount of the teetering idiots on both sides fall back on the side of ration.

Every single time an issue regarding Korea and the West is brought up, Jon Huer writes a long winded, stereotyping, self aggrandizing article. And being an American, like Jon Huer (just writing that caused my teeth to grind) I am embarrassed every time he writes. And as Koreans, as intelligent, educated, rational people you can’t possibly want this long winded American, who has most likely spent less of his adult life living in Korea than most of the IaDEC, claiming to represent you.

I believe, well I hope, that if we Koreans and Westerners alike can find a common ground in not wanting that fat blow-hard to have a soap box to stand on, in not wanting the over-educated, inexperienced likes of Jon Huer representing us, we can best whatever petty issues our respective groups of idiots have taken to heart and forge a united front. A front that collectively and unanimously and proudly stands up and says, “Jon Huer, shut the fuck up!”



A 23 year old Canadian ex-pat, who asked to be referred to as simply “Frank Teacher,” was moved to micturition by his young student’s search for a missing paper cut-out of a planet. The school, understandably, has asked us not use its name in our report. And somewhat surprisingly, the Canadian consulate sent us a rather lengthy and detailed report stating, in detail, that Canadians are no more prone to pissing their pants than any other people. However, the British government has, incidentally and for apparently no reason at all, acknowledged that its citizens, when intoxicated, are apt to soil themselves at a rate ten times the world average.

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Frank Teacher told us, wearing his pressed work shirt and a fresh bought pair of sweat pants. “They were just gluing the planets on the piece of paper, making the solar system, you know, when it just all went crazy.”

“I don’t have your anus,” is what Frank Teacher initially heard the young student say. Of course, the young boy was referring to the planet, Uranus, but Frank Teacher was apparently caught off-guard by the loud and unexpected statement.

“I think if it would have just stopped there, it would have been fine,” Frank Teacher told us.

But no, it didn’t stop there. Not by a long shot. What follows is Frank Teacher’s recollection of what transpired between the initial child and the rest of the class. All of the children’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

“I don’t have your anus,” George Bush said, standing up, directing the statement to the young boy across from him. “I don’t know where it is. Oh no! Where is your anus?”

“Sit down,” said Kirk Cameron, who was sitting across from George. “Your anus is right there. Right there on the table next to your crayon.”

“That’s not your anus,” George retorted. “That’s just a piece of garbage paper. Teacher! Teacher, I can’t find your anus.”

Frank Teacher at this point was still “holding it together” and had, reportedly, simply and calmly told the young boy to sit down and use the planets that he had in front of him.

But true to form, George Bush was not about to listen to reason. He threw up his chubby hands and began shouting, “I need your anus! I can’t do this without your anus! I need your anus, it goes right here! Your anus has to go right here!”

The rest of the class, consisting of Ann Coulter, Mr. Wizard, three Dallas Cowboys, the lead singer of 80’s sensation Oingo Boingo, and a number of the unnamed cast member of ABC’s hit TV show LOST that appeared suddenly only to be killed off mysteriously, all began to address young George’s panic.

“It’s OK,” assured Ann Coulter, “you don’t need your anus.”

“Don’t worry, your anus is stupid. It’s the stupidest one of all,” said Mr. Wizard.

“You’re stupid,” said quarterback Tony Romo. “He needs your anus, Ann Coulter. He can’t make the stars without your anus.”

“Give him your your anus then,” Ann replied and threw her eraser at Tony Romo’s head, unintentionally hitting the random guy who was killed by a flaming arrow in this season’s LOST.

So on and so forth. Frank Teacher admitted to us that he completely lost control of his class. “I just stood there,” he said, “I mean I was laughing a little at first, like to myself, but it just kept going and going. Everyone was shouting about Uranus. And when that fucking kid starting crying, screaming, ‘I need your anus. Where is your anus?’ I just lost it. I just doubled over, and well, I pissed myself. What the fuck. Shit.”

Frank Teacher has, with the consent of his Principal who has started calling him “Francy Pants,” decided to forego the rest of the space section.

The French consulate, on hearing of Frank Teacher’s new nick name, has released a statement supporting the pissing of pants as both an artistic expression and “an intelligent and reasoned response to educating.”