Posts Tagged ‘seoul’

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… and on a lighter note:

This past Saturday the Sheraton Grande WalkerHill in Seoul hosted Korea’s first World Poker Championship. The event was advertised around the world and boasted of a minimum first place take of W1,000,000,000. Initially, some 2000 people were reported to have registered, however, due to certain visa regulations which included a mandatory 5 day swine flu quarantine during which everyone would be required to watch the Hong Man-Choi Vs Jose Canseco fight at least three times a day, everyone dropped out.

With all of the world’s top players opting out, South Korea attempted to substitute the prestige of world class poker with the magical allure of celebrities and deities. The list of notable celebrities in attendance included: Tom Cruise, Gary Busey, Russell Crowe, and Celine Dion. Of the many thousand ethereal beings invited, sadly, only two attended. Fortunately for us and the competition organizers, it was two fan favorites. Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha himself and Jesus of Nazareth wowed the rowdy crowd of drunken, gambling devotees.

The Awakened One was kind enough to grant our DC reporter a pregame interview:

DC — Siddhartha, first off…

B — Buddha, please. I think I’ve earned it.

DC — Yes, certainly! Of course! Our apologies, Buddha. First off, it is a great honor just to be in your presence. You have been a constant source of inspiration in so many lives, mine certainly included. Your teachings have had a terrific effect on the world as we know it. You’ve touched…

(The Buddha here held up a finger, a gesture we took to remain silent. A young penitent woman approached the Buddha and knelt at his feet.)

Penitent Woman (PW) — Great Buddha, most wise teacher, giver of the light of understanding, planter of the seed of enlightenment, father….

B — What can I do for you, sweetheart?

PW — Great Buddha, my gentle father has recently become blind and sick, and I fear he is dying. My mother is dead and without my father I will be left alone in the world. Is there nothing you can do to help him?

B — Well, this is the nature of life. The cycle, you know? You have read the book, right? I mean, life and death, can’t have one without the other.

PW — Great Buddha, my father is a wealthy man, both spiritually and financially. I beg of you, isn’t there some gesture I could make in his name, some sacrifice I could offer that would prove to you, Lord Buddha, mine and my father’s devotion and faith?

B — Well, I normally never do this kind of thing, but, in honesty, the roof at Bongwonsa has been dripping like a sailors hose after a port stay in the Philippines. I suppose if you pledged to donate, oh say, W5,000,000 we could get your old man up and running for another couple years or so. Oh, and if you had just a bit left over, enough to cover my buy-in that’d be great too.

PW — Oh great Buddha, your mercy is terrific!

(The penitent woman thanked the Buddha profusely, kissing his feet and bowing again and again.)

DC — Wow, a real life miracle right in front of my eyes, that is something! How does it feel to be the hands down favorite among the deities here tonight?

B — Me, a deity? I’m just man, like you. Just a man. I mean, yeah I’m enlightened and off the wheel of life and all that, filled with the blissful peace of nirvana but when it comes down to it, I’m just a regular guy.

DC — But you just cured that girl’s father. That was amazing!

B — Cure? No, the guy was going to be fine. All I did was fix a roof so that Brother Kim won’t get pissed on every time it rains.

Despite his pregame genius, the Buddha did not fare well in the tournament. The Buddha chose to sit in silent repose during the match and was eventually blinded out.

Celine Dion was actually the first player out of the tournament. Well, actually she never technically made it into the tournament. A ruling was handed down just minutes prior to the start of play citing that Ms. Dion did not fulfill the requirements necessary to register as a celebrity and she was sadly disqualified.

Eddie Kim, the tournament director, explained the decision to those in attendance after Ms. Dion was escorted from the building. “I just couldn’t stand looking at her,” he said. “God, what a horse face that woman has.”
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Another favorite to barely make a showing was Tom Cruise. Mr. Cruise, after getting his booster seat, made a number of good plays early on and it seemed was on his way to being chip leader. However, about three quarters of the way through the first hour, he seemed drawn to a young man in leather pants and a tight pink shirt. Mr. Cruise excused himself and the pair locked themselves in the men’s room. Mr. Cruise did not make it back to the game before his stack was blinded out.

In a foreseeable blow, none of the 250 Korean players made it to heads up. In pure Korean gambling fashion, they bet every pot, raised every bet, and called everything they couldn’t afford to raise. The chip lead passed among them as, in each and every hand, one player was knocked out or doubled up.

When the fervor of the Korean style of play had died down there were three players remaining: Gary Busey, Jesus Christ, and Russell Crowe; respectively, the father of the motorcycle helmet law, the son of God, and the man who loves spirits more than any other.

Mr. Crowe, after a mesmerizing display of drinking prowess finally succumbed to his vise and passed out face down in his chips. Jesus broke the awkward silence after Mr. Crowe was hauled away by asking the crowd, “now, who didn’t see that coming? You didn’t need to be a prophet to realize that tipsy Aussie wasn’t gonna make it.”

Heads up, Busey kept one eye locked on Jesus and used his other wondering eye to follow what he described as a “tiny purple flying elephant.”

“I know you sent this miniscule lavender Dumbo to distract me, Jesus,” Busey said. “And it’s not going to work. I’m on to you, buddy. I’m so far in your head that I’m looking out of your eyes, seeing me looking at you, knowing that that guy is onto you.”

A confident Jesus remained silent through the match, smiling coyly as a distracted Busey swatted at, what appeared to be, empty air.

The climax came at around the fifth hour when an increasingly aggravated Busey moved all in blind on his small blind. The crowd, which overflowed onto the street, hushed. A hundred foot banner that changed in a play by play fashion was hung across the hotel’s façade. Jesus, glancing at his cards, quickly called.
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When the cards were turned, Busey showed the big guns themselves, pocket rockets, two aces and Jesus, grinning through the pressure, turned a meager 2 – 7.

Busey focused both his eyes on the table as the dealer turned the flop. Dead silence permeated the casino; nobody even dared to exhale. The flop came A – K – 2. Busey remained stoic as he hit top set. When the 2 was dealt on the turn, most everybody knew what was coming on the river. Even Busey, it seemed, sitting there with aces full against a weak set, with his opponent having roughly a 2% chance of hitting his one-outer, knew he was beat. And when the final 2 was shown, Busey, with uncharacteristic reserve, graciously shook the Lord’s hand and offered Him his congratulations.

Jesus later told us that he respected Busey’s play. “That guy was hard to read,” He said. “He’s just all over the map. I mean, honestly, and I’m not supposed to say this stuff, but sometimes I really had no idea what was going on in his mind.”

And when asked if He ever had any doubts about winning He said, “Look, I’m the son of God. The day I agreed to let those Roman bastards nail me to that cross, just to make my dad look good, pretty much guaranteed that I was going to get everything I wanted from that point forward. That shit really hurt! What kind of father does that? Let’s his son get nailed to a cross just to look good?”

Dong Chim, as a policy, does not comment on questions, or question comments, of a religious nature.

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There are few words which can so immediately and powerfully evoke a specific uncontested image like the word ‘adjuma.’ Americans, Koreans, Australians, the English, and even Canadians (in their own limited capacity) envision the same squat, tight haired, steely eyed, brightly dressed woman ready to bowl over, elbow, and gouge their way to a better place in line. It’s usually one of the first Korean words a foreigner learns: right after hello, thank you, and two draft beers, please. It’s a word used in levity with friends as a jab, and as a sharp insult aimed at anyone acting adjuma-esque.

However, as the tough agrarian lifestyle which cast the young women of yesterday into the pit bulls of the now is rapidly being replaced by a modern, comfort and status driven, more western existence, a growing number of adjuma aged women are feeling like they just don’t fit in. While still in the deep minority, these women can be usually seen separated from the mobs of scowling helmet haired real adjumas. Unlike their linebacker counterparts, the new breed of adjuma is usually thin and dressed in fashionable attire. Many are even foregoing the requisite afro perm for a styled modern look. Some can even be seen smiling – though usually when on their cell phone.

Many women, like Min Sun-jee, a prominent 50 year old dentist in the Gaepo area of Seoul, find the connotation associated with the word adjuma confusing or, occasionally, disturbing. Min Sun-jee attempted to clarify her feelings. “Adjumas are ugly,” she told our reporter. “I go to the gym six days a week. I watch On-Style like it’s my job. I love desperate housewives. I have never paid less than 500,000 won for a purse. I am not an adjuma. Look at my ass; you could bounce a baek won off of this ass.”

Sadly for Min Sun-jee, adjuma’s accepted denotation is simply “older married woman.” And though she scoffed at the word ‘older,’ saying, “older than who? Look around. There are more people than in a New York subway line at rush hour – just in this building – that are older than I am. Did you see my ass? Here, touch it; go ahead.”

It is quite possible that as more women like Min Sun-jee reach adjuma age the connoted implications of the title will change, and may in fact reflect the western idealized M.I.L.F. But for now, for Sun-jee and the many like her, these educated, sexually aware women are left without an appropriate categorized societal pigeon hole.

While we at Dong Chim do not have an answer to this quandary, we do ask our readers to be sympathetic to those who suffer its brunt. For many of us, our mastery of the Korean language being naught, our limited vocabulary limits how we can address those around us. We don’t have the ability, despite our intentions, to appropriately address an older yet attractive and stylish woman. So, if you see an attractive older lady and need to speak with her, instead of calling her adjuma, give her a nice smack on the tush and call her “toots.” If you’re out and want to ask a well dressed cell phone talking, cigarette smoking woman a question, premise your question by buying her a cosmo and calling her “doll face.” While the correcting of a society’s rifting self-image is well beyond the grasp of any one person or group, we can all do what we can to ease the suffering of those affected.

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Elite mental health officials in Korea have released compelling research on a newly diagnosed mental illness that has taken many Korean women hostage. Anuptaphobia, the fear of staying single, has caused Korean women to take drastic measures in order to land a boyfriend or husband. The study, which took place over six months in Lotte department stores across Korea, interviewed nearly 10,000 single women.

The study estimates that up to 70% of single Korean women have been affected by the illness. Women who partook in the study were asked questions such as, “Why do you dress up just to go grocery shopping?” “Why did you spend 10 million won on your purse?” and “It’s freezing outside, why do you have a mini skirt on?” Psychiatrists recorded the answers of the women and then analyzed the roots of their behavior, and concluded Anuptaphobia as being the sole reason for such insane behavior.

Anuptaphobia has not only caused women to spend a ridiculous amount of money on clothing, but has even provoked women to seek drastic surgical procedures. Though clothing can aid in the appearance of women, some women feel a further need to set themselves apart. New plastic surgery clinics are taking advantage of these self-esteem issues, now offering cranial reduction and breast augmentation. Dr. Lee, one of the top cranial/breast surgeons, recently opened a new clinic in the Centum City area of Busan called “Small Face, Lovely Breast.” The clinic has become so popular that the waiting list has now reached one year.

The clinic specializes in making the cranium smaller, which as a result makes eyes, lips, and breasts appear larger. The cranial surgery includes a Double D breast enlargement free of charge.

While Dr. Lee is pleased with the large influx of business, he is concerned over the results of the new study. “I think women need to realize that staying single is not that bad, I mean you can always work at Gimbop Changuk if you don’t get married.”

Kim Min-Jee is currently on the waiting list for the surgery, “I really want to
marry a doctor and I feel the only way I can do so is to get the surgery. I mean what guy would not want a girl with a small head and huge breasts?”

Mental health officials, though, are expressing concern over the epidemic. One of the country’s top psychiatrists, Baek Dong-Yul, is disturbed over the recent behavior of single women. “The results of this study are staggering and incredibly dangerous. Women are actually reducing the size of their heads and getting their breasts enlarged just to appeal to men. It’s absolutely insane. What’s next? Are women going to start getting their voice boxes removed to appeal to men even more?”

The Korean government has been hesitant of giving money to aid in the research which hopes to produce new medication that could treat the illness. President, Lee Myung Bak, released a statement stating, “Though Anuptaphobia seems to be a very serious illness, the fact of the matter is, the hotter our women are the more tourism our country will receive.”

Psychologists and psychiatrists across the country are refusing to give up on the cause and are hosting a week long fundraising event starting April 1st in both Busan and Seoul. The Wondergirls are slated to host the event in Seoul. Recently the group has been focused on self-esteem issues in their music and therefore are excited to be apart of such a good cause.

[Editors note- After reading this article, Dr. Lee has opened a new clinic in Haundae called, “Shhhhhhhhh,” which specializes in removing the voice boxes of single women.]

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Wa Bar, Korea’s foreigner hotspot, has been chosen as the lucky new location of MTV’s popular reality show, The Real World. Wa Bar competed against two other popular Korean bars, Dublin Bar and Foreign Happy Fun Sparkle Bar as the location for the reality show. The cast will live above a yet unspecified branch located somewhere in Korea’s largest city, Seoul. This season will be the first of to be filmed in Asia.

Upon hearing the news, War bar officials were delighted. President, Johnny D. Bagtevich stated, “It will be great for viewers across the world to see what it is really like for foreigners living in Korea. Many people do not realize the perplexity one encounters when working and living in another country.”

Real World producer, Dick Derrick, explained a few of the reasons why Wa Bar was chosen, “Wa Bar will be a great place for the cast to reside. The bar really exemplifies the customs and culinary traditions specific to the Korean culture. Also, viewers can witness character revealing and beautifully telling moments, such as when cast members try to order food and booze in Korean. Cast members are encouraged to interact with Koreans in the bar, even though this will most certainly be extremely arduous (and hilarious).”

The cast of this season’s Real World, which has already been selected, are mostly military personnel stationed in Korea or western “unemployables” teaching in Korea. The selected cast went through a rigorous selection process and the requirements for cast members were extremely particular. Women had to be at least 5’8” and men 6’2”. Real World hopefuls also had to compete in a fitness test, which consisted of them taking off their shirts while competing in drinking games; only those with the best combination of sex appeal and reckless drunkenness were chosen. Those with very high IQs were not considered for the show on the well-founded basis that they were probably really boring.

New cast member, Tina Haring, from Halifax, Nova Scotia, says she is still in shock from being chosen. “I can’t fucking wait,” she exclaimed, “OMG! I just can’t wait to party, like everyday. We are living above a bar, how sweet is that?” Bob Long, a soldier from Texas and fellow cast member, was also flabbergasted upon hearing the news, “This will be fucking great. Wa Bar has Red Bull and vodka! And I can’t wait to nail some Korean bitches!” Candy Hollow, fellow cast member, upon reading the suggestion for cast members to interact with Koreans in the bar asked, “Wait, do Koreans actually go in War Bar, really? I never saw one there before.”

Real World co-producer, Sally Strawford, is especially excited for this season of the Real World. “This season is going to be very eclectic and very different from previous seasons.” Real World Korea will have eight cast members (five girls and three guys). This season includes a poet, a ditsy super hot former cheerleader, a white supremacist warmonger, a former Black Panther, a metro sexual, a catholic, a women’s rights activist, and a PETA representative. “And three of them,” Sally told us with an “on the sly” hand gesture, “will actually be Oriental. We are really pushing some demographic barriers here.”

Cast members are not only provided with free housing, but also an unlimited supply of free alcohol (courtesy of Wa Bar). This season is also sponsored by The United Colors of Benetton and each cast member will be required to wear only Benetton clothing. As the season progresses we will update Dong Chim readers of hook-ups between cast members and local bar-goers, and, of course, any fights that may ensue.

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The Dong Chim general staff has moved its offices to Busan. And though we are loving the beaches, the slightly warmer weather, the cleaner air, less traffic, way nicer housing, generally just nicer people, less metro man-bag carrying cock-knockers, hiking, fresh seafood, the clean crisp taste of a sea breeze, and the throngs of huge breasted and well lubricated mermaids that live only to satisfy our ever whim, we do acknowledge that we have been extremely lax in site maintenance.

While we, at this time, do not have any of our signature wares to offer, we do have this picture. It was taken in Gangnam during our farewell to Seoul drink-a-thon. This photo has not been altered in any way. The picture below is the name of the establishment. We did not enter and do not have any information on what exactly is sold within.

If any of you ladies (or gentlemen, I suppose) would like directions please feel free to email our P.R. director Jason, at dongchim@ymail.com.

We pledge to track down our writing core, sober them up, and beat the funny out of them as quickly as humanly possible. Please bear with us during this transitional phase.

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