Racism in Korea, thank God!

Milton Baynard is a 26 year old white guy from a middle class American family. He is college educated and his parents are happily married. Milton’s grandfather served in the California state senate for six years. Milton grew up playing baseball and football. He spent five summers, from 3rd grade to 8th grade, at a very nice summer camp. Milton’s high school girlfriend was a cheerleader named Mandy. By any rational deduction, Milton is your quintessential all-American guy – and he hates it.

“So, I didn’t grow up in a house with a meth addicted cousin living in the basement,” he tells us. “Is that my fault?”

Milton and many like him are suffering from what the psychological community is referring to as Poor Little Rich Kid Disorder.

“The sufferers tend to grow up in fairly stable homes, both emotionally and financially,” says Dr. Mustafa Africanis X, a board certified psychiatrist and the leading researcher on Poor Little Rich Kid Disorder. “They are most always male and of a very pale, exceedingly pasty heritage. They are rarely from what we in the field refer to as “kinda dark skinned,” people such as Italians or Columbians. They are what you might refer to as Justin Bieber-esque”

According to Dr. X, persons like Milton find their comfortable surroundings to be oppressive within the current American culture which tends to demonize the fortunate while romanticizing the plights of minorities and the poor.

“It’s like I can’t even walk down the street without offending someone,” Milton told us. “Do you know how many words I can’t say? Seriously, and I’m not talking about the N-word or referring to homosexuals as bouncy, prancing bone slobberers. I mean, like walking out of a Coen brother’s movie I referred to the film as a “black comedy” and almost got my ass kicked. The word “black” is dangerous for me. I had women calling me a sexist for offering to pay for dinner. I had a Jewish guy call me an anti-Semite because I told him I didn’t like the band KISS.”

Overwhelmed in his home country, Milton Baynard moved to Korea.

“Its fucking great here!” he said. “I barely work, I get plenty of money to live on, and I’m a minority. People stare at me when I walk down the street. Every father thinks I’m a dangerous man. The Korean girls like me because their fathers don’t. Hell, I even hear people mumbling racial slurs when I walk into a restaurant. I learned them all. It’s awesome.”

However, while Milton is secretly happy to be the object of racial discrimination he chooses to express a different side.

“I don’t exactly go out of my way to be a model citizen here,” he said, “however, I do make sure that I am always in the right as far as Korean customs and laws go. I’ve studied the language and the history. I know how to interact with people of different generations. To see me walking down the street, if you were truly blind to race, you’d think I was a Korean.”

Milton then demonstrated his proficiency in simple Korean politeness. He explained the importance of posture and indirect eye contact when talking to older people or people in authority. He related cultural insights, their historic roots and modern interpretations. He told us how he studies Korean for two hours every night in his apartment.

“I do all this,” he says, “because I know every single day, if I say out long enough, someone will cross that line. I know some old guy will mutter something about “big nose” under his breath. I know some kids will laugh to themselves about the “smelly foreigner.” And if none of those or a hundred other things happen,” he said, “I know for certain that I can walk into just about any restaurant and order some chi-gae or mae-un-tang and the waiter will tell me it’s too spicy for me, that foreigners can’t eat spicy food. And then I go off. And boy do I go off! I’ve got this whole speech memorized in every level of Korean speak, from the youngest student to the oldest lady. I get to explain how these racists comments are hurtful to me and that how when people use them I, and people like me, are made to feel as less than equal – less than human. I fucking love it. I get to bitch every single day. It’s almost like being a bouncy, prancing bone slobberer except that I am much less likely to get AIDS.”

Milton is currently working on a book about racial intolerance on the Korean peninsula, and hopes to have a list of words Korean people will not be able to say popularized in the next few years.

How to Avoid the New Korean Civil War

As I sit outside on my small balcony garden tonight, in my comfortable blue beach chair with a pitcher of Cass to my side and the glowing ember and tough earthy smell of mosquito repellent in front of me with the scenic, reflective river view from my 22nd floor apartment and the slowest most patient sea breeze passing by, it breaks my heart to announce that my beloved South Korea stands on the brink of civil war.

While my nature as a pacifist and a happy-go-lucky drunk would normally preempt my involvement, or active interest in anything so politically volatile, I feel compelled to do my part. My part, which will never be to wield the implement of destruction or stand cool-eyed and steadfast against an aggressor, must be, can only be to report the facts in the same hardnosed, unbiased, emotionally absent and articulate manner you have come to expect.

In most civil wars the lines of opposition can be hazy. Rarely is the pretext clear, and rarely is the onus distinctive enough to allow easy separation of the sides. This war, however, is different.

The first side: (given deference (titled as “first side”) only out of home-field respect) the Idiots at Anti-English Spectrum (IaAES). The other side: the Idiots at Dave’s Esl Café (IaDEC).

The ultra nationalistic homogenites of the IaAES became outraged four years back when photographs of young Korean women drinking and frolicking with young Western men were posted on a public forum. Their argument then, as it is today is: Stop wooing our innocent young girls with your fancy swagger and worldly ideas.

In response, whether direct or organically occurring, the rival idiots invented the new derogatory word “Kimberly,” a feminization of the common Korean surname, Kim, to emasculate both any particular Korean they felt threatened by, and any group that spoke out against Western teachers.

The Korean idiots began working tirelessly, spreading baseless rumors against unnamed foreign sex fiends, citing horrific never substantiated rumors, and stalking those they suspected of doing drugs or working illegally.

The Western idiots began calling the 40 year old leader of the Korean idiots a “virgin.”

The IaAES flexed their political muscle recently by popularizing the notion that Western teachers are oozing AIDS, and spearheaded the mandatory AIDS test for all E-2 applicants.

The IaDEC continued to expound on and exaggerate every possible negative facet of living in Korea. Their general argument being, that all Koreans are repressed, drunken, rude, unsophisticated cheats that are incapable of conceptualizing the world in the sophisticated manner to which they are accustomed. They then went on to label any Westerners voicing an opinion even vaguely in favor of not demeaning the people and the country that has given us homes and jobs as “apologists.”

The IaAES has recently taken to translating several of the IaDEC’s internet posts, and commenting endlessly on the idiocy contained within.

The IaDEC initially lambasted the Korean idiots for taking the time and effort to translate what, were in truth, some of their more tame posts. And has since then made several calls for able people to translate what is being posted on the AES website so that they can read what the enemy is saying and comment endlessly on it.

To date: the IaAES continues to romanticize the tyranny of the Western teacher, and the IaDEC constantly tries to prove themselves to be the biggest spoiled douche bags in the world.

What is important for us, the people who are not idiots, to remember is that these idiots do, in fact, represent us. Every time some New Jersey frat boy makes his way to Seoul and posts some question about the best ways to “bang Korean chicks” he represents all of us and makes us look like idiots. And for you, our educated Korean readers, every time some closed minded Korean man, desperate not to have his innocent Han flowers plucked, plucked, passed by the foreign devil, writes detailed baseless lies, he represents you and makes you look like an idiot.

And while I’m certain that this social issue will not be quashed entirely during my tenure in Korea, I would like to suggest one single idea which I hope might help some amount of the teetering idiots on both sides fall back on the side of ration.

Every single time an issue regarding Korea and the West is brought up, Jon Huer writes a long winded, stereotyping, self aggrandizing article. And being an American, like Jon Huer (just writing that caused my teeth to grind) I am embarrassed every time he writes. And as Koreans, as intelligent, educated, rational people you can’t possibly want this long winded American, who has most likely spent less of his adult life living in Korea than most of the IaDEC, claiming to represent you.

I believe, well I hope, that if we Koreans and Westerners alike can find a common ground in not wanting that fat blow-hard to have a soap box to stand on, in not wanting the over-educated, inexperienced likes of Jon Huer representing us, we can best whatever petty issues our respective groups of idiots have taken to heart and forge a united front. A front that collectively and unanimously and proudly stands up and says, “Jon Huer, shut the fuck up!”