Racism in Korea, thank God!

Milton Baynard is a 26 year old white guy from a middle class American family. He is college educated and his parents are happily married. Milton’s grandfather served in the California state senate for six years. Milton grew up playing baseball and football. He spent five summers, from 3rd grade to 8th grade, at a very nice summer camp. Milton’s high school girlfriend was a cheerleader named Mandy. By any rational deduction, Milton is your quintessential all-American guy – and he hates it.

“So, I didn’t grow up in a house with a meth addicted cousin living in the basement,” he tells us. “Is that my fault?”

Milton and many like him are suffering from what the psychological community is referring to as Poor Little Rich Kid Disorder.

“The sufferers tend to grow up in fairly stable homes, both emotionally and financially,” says Dr. Mustafa Africanis X, a board certified psychiatrist and the leading researcher on Poor Little Rich Kid Disorder. “They are most always male and of a very pale, exceedingly pasty heritage. They are rarely from what we in the field refer to as “kinda dark skinned,” people such as Italians or Columbians. They are what you might refer to as Justin Bieber-esque”

According to Dr. X, persons like Milton find their comfortable surroundings to be oppressive within the current American culture which tends to demonize the fortunate while romanticizing the plights of minorities and the poor.

“It’s like I can’t even walk down the street without offending someone,” Milton told us. “Do you know how many words I can’t say? Seriously, and I’m not talking about the N-word or referring to homosexuals as bouncy, prancing bone slobberers. I mean, like walking out of a Coen brother’s movie I referred to the film as a “black comedy” and almost got my ass kicked. The word “black” is dangerous for me. I had women calling me a sexist for offering to pay for dinner. I had a Jewish guy call me an anti-Semite because I told him I didn’t like the band KISS.”

Overwhelmed in his home country, Milton Baynard moved to Korea.

“Its fucking great here!” he said. “I barely work, I get plenty of money to live on, and I’m a minority. People stare at me when I walk down the street. Every father thinks I’m a dangerous man. The Korean girls like me because their fathers don’t. Hell, I even hear people mumbling racial slurs when I walk into a restaurant. I learned them all. It’s awesome.”

However, while Milton is secretly happy to be the object of racial discrimination he chooses to express a different side.

“I don’t exactly go out of my way to be a model citizen here,” he said, “however, I do make sure that I am always in the right as far as Korean customs and laws go. I’ve studied the language and the history. I know how to interact with people of different generations. To see me walking down the street, if you were truly blind to race, you’d think I was a Korean.”

Milton then demonstrated his proficiency in simple Korean politeness. He explained the importance of posture and indirect eye contact when talking to older people or people in authority. He related cultural insights, their historic roots and modern interpretations. He told us how he studies Korean for two hours every night in his apartment.

“I do all this,” he says, “because I know every single day, if I say out long enough, someone will cross that line. I know some old guy will mutter something about “big nose” under his breath. I know some kids will laugh to themselves about the “smelly foreigner.” And if none of those or a hundred other things happen,” he said, “I know for certain that I can walk into just about any restaurant and order some chi-gae or mae-un-tang and the waiter will tell me it’s too spicy for me, that foreigners can’t eat spicy food. And then I go off. And boy do I go off! I’ve got this whole speech memorized in every level of Korean speak, from the youngest student to the oldest lady. I get to explain how these racists comments are hurtful to me and that how when people use them I, and people like me, are made to feel as less than equal – less than human. I fucking love it. I get to bitch every single day. It’s almost like being a bouncy, prancing bone slobberer except that I am much less likely to get AIDS.”

Milton is currently working on a book about racial intolerance on the Korean peninsula, and hopes to have a list of words Korean people will not be able to say popularized in the next few years.

South Korean War is OVER!!!

Korea is at peace! We at Dong Chim are ecstatic to report that the governments of North and South Korea have finally and permanently resolved their differences. The war is OVER! The Korean people are again united. The streets of Seoul and Pyongyang are flooded with tearful revelers, and the world can finally exhale.

Just at the proverbial zero hour, when the north was threatening the full might of their nuclear arsenal, an old fashioned request for help brought face to face the two leaders of the Korean peninsula.

Lee Myung-Bak, elected leader of what was South Korea, released the following statement early last evening:

Kim Jong-Il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, recently reached out to me through a phone call. Though I was quite shocked to receive his phone call, I was extremely happy at the opportunity for discourse. In Korea, my enemy is also my brother, and even though he’s an asshole we both came out of the same happy hole—and that’s important. As the conversation progressed through the requisite ‘how’s your mother’ pleasantries, I kept myself intensely aware of the recent highly publicized and horribly violent events. I was determined not to allow the unprovoked sinking of our military vessel and the deaths of our servicemen to be swept under the rug. I mean, just because the man was politely aware that my sister-in-law recently had a baby is no reason to forget that he’s also been a giant douche nozzle. I was determined to stand in resolute defiance of anything and everything Mr. Kim said or demanded. However, when he told me that he and his family had just bought a new apartment and would need help moving, I felt obligated to oblige. I mean, it’s in the man code. You just can’t say no when a guy asks you to help move. Sure, he’d have to provide some beers and a pizza or what not, that’s standard, but you can’t say no to a guy who needs help moving furniture. It’s part of the code.

It seems for Korea and the world, President Lee’s awareness of and adherence to the man code was a blessing beyond scope.

The two men met outside Mr. Il’s lavish apartment early yesterday morning in casual dress, both a little hung over from the night before. And through the course of a three trip move found common ground, common love of Korea, it’s people and it’s culture, and hashed out the political necessities to put in motion the long awaited reuniting of Korea.

Mr. Il, happy to pass the torch of “Craziest World Leader” to Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, granted our Dong Chim reporter the following telephone interview:

DC: Thank you, sir, for granting us this interview.

KJI: Yes, yes. Be quick. I’ve got a vacation to plan.

DC: Of course, sir. How do you feel to finally have the war over?

KJI: Fuck the war. Fuck Korea. Fuck it all. I am just sick of everyone talking shit on me. I mean did you see that awful Team America movie? What a bunch of bullshit. I mean, Robert Downey Jr. is a far superior actor to Alec Baldwin.

DC: Yes sir, of course. Sir, what was it about your meeting with Lee Myung-Bak that led you to seek a peaceful resolution with the south?

KJI: Honestly, the guy’s got a strong back. I’ve got a lot, and I mean a lot, of heavy furniture, and that skinny bastard never even winced. You know, I respect that. The guy’s tough.

DC: Well we, sir, at Dong Chim are extremely happy that the rift between the north and the south has been mended, and we would like to applaud you for having the fortitude and wisdom to make this peace happen?

KJI: What the fuck is a Dong Chim? And where is my peach cobbler? Lee’s second mistress sent me a delicious peach cobbler. It’d burn your ass hairs off, it’s so delicious. Holy shit, is my shoe on fire? No, no that’s just a yellow sock. What the hell? Do you know what this red button does? I mean, should I press it?

DC: Sir, no. Please do not press that button.

KJI: Well, you’re about a pansy aren’t you? Just go and find my peach cobbler.

With the help of two of his security agents and a dog trained specifically to sniff out peach cobbler in the event that peace was declared and the south’s president’s second mistress baked a peach cobbler which was inadvertently lost occurred the pie was found.

Despite all the obvious good will, an insider, loose from celebratory soju, from Mr. Lee Myung-Bak’s camp offered his candid views:

Bak almost shit his pants when he got to that wacko’s apartment. I mean, the guy’s the leader of a nation and all he has got to move his furniture is a stolen shopping cart and a roll of twine. I mean, no truck, no dolly, no boxes, no adjuma cart, no bags that can be wrapped and carried on your head. Just a God damned shopping cart. Anyway, it’s over, finally.

While there has been no official word as to how or when the two governments would combine or who, and in what capacity, would lead the actual developmental reconstruction of the Korean peninsula, the world and the peoples of Korea have shared a unanimous “HUZAH!”

The dark veil has lifted from Korea and the future looks bright.

Ninja Assassin Tears into Korean Politics

Ninja Assasin, the action packed martial arts based dude movie, was recently released in South Korea to an eager and elated audience. While the movie’s reviews didn’t fare much better here than they did back in the States, Koreans, as they’re wont to do, took a great deal of national pride in the film’s star actor, Rain.

Rain, born Jung Jihoon, was raised in near poverty by a single mother stricken with diabetes. It is Rain’s unprecedented rise to international superstardom that has captured the hearts and imaginations of so many South Koreans. Truly a Cinderella story, Rain has inspired countless Koreans to reach beyond their limits and to never, never give up.

Lee Minhee, a Kyungsung University student has felt personally inspired by the young mogul in her own life. “They said to Rain, you are too ugly to be famous and so he got sexy. I was born short, but I now walk only in eight inch (20.3 cm) heels. Now I am tall.”

A growing point of contention has sprung up over Rain’s ninja character. Raizo, the ninja assassin turned ninja killer turned nice guy looking for a girlfriend, is of Japanese descent. The historical turmoil between Japan and Korea is still fresh in the minds of many Korean people. While many South Koreans have decided to let the past (several forced occupations, political prisons, endless torture, sex slavery, etc.) stay in the past and now look to a harmonious existence with Japan, a good number of Koreans still harbor some resentment.

Kim Bumshi, a somewhat elderly Korean man who rides his bicycle adorned from front to back with Korean flags through the streets of Busan held a less forgiving view point of Japan. When asked by a Dong Chim reporter where the post office is located he yelled, “Fuck you, Japan!” Mr. Kim declined further comment but did indicate with his middle finger what turned out to be the relative direction of the post office.

A movement among Korea’s active youth has taken hold and is spreading with impressive speed. The group has taken the popular idea behind the Dokdo is Ours campaign and is now claiming that all of Japan rightly belongs to the Korean people. The group has uncovered ancient documents stemming from just before the earliest Japanese documents. These documents, the group claims, prove indisputably that the land which is now known as Japan was granted to the superior Korean people by God Himself.

The group refused to produce the documents but assures us that they are real and signed by Jesus, Buddha, and Admiral Hiro Fukdanips.

John Kim, a Korean born but naturalized Canadian citizen, has been appointed English liaison for the group. “We are currently in the process of preparing our case for the World Court of International Boundary Disputes. Our documents are absolute proof of our right to the land which is currently known as Japan. The WCIBD will have no choice but to recognize our sovereignty.”

Rain was good enough to take time from his busy schedule to grant Dong Chim a phone interview:

DC: Rain, it is quite an honor to speak to you.

R: Yes, I’m sure it is.

DC: Rain, what are your opinions regarding South Korea’s claim that Japan rightly belongs to South Korea?

R: South Korea (long pause) I know South Korea, yeah my mom was from there.

DC: Yes sir, correct. Do you feel that South Korea’s claims may in fact prove legally sound?

R: What, um, yeah I’m sorry. I was just having sex with two 18 year old blond girls. What was the question?

DC: Do you feel that your country, South Korea, is acting within the confines of international law?

R: Country? I’m in Hollywood, baby. I mean South Korea is cool and all and I totally love my fans out there. Love you guys! But have you ever been a rich young celebrity in Hollywood? It’s like being a freaking god. No, it’s like being God. Capital “G” God.

Korea’s First World Poker Championship

… and on a lighter note:

This past Saturday the Sheraton Grande WalkerHill in Seoul hosted Korea’s first World Poker Championship. The event was advertised around the world and boasted of a minimum first place take of W1,000,000,000. Initially, some 2000 people were reported to have registered, however, due to certain visa regulations which included a mandatory 5 day swine flu quarantine during which everyone would be required to watch the Hong Man-Choi Vs Jose Canseco fight at least three times a day, everyone dropped out.

With all of the world’s top players opting out, South Korea attempted to substitute the prestige of world class poker with the magical allure of celebrities and deities. The list of notable celebrities in attendance included: Tom Cruise, Gary Busey, Russell Crowe, and Celine Dion. Of the many thousand ethereal beings invited, sadly, only two attended. Fortunately for us and the competition organizers, it was two fan favorites. Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha himself and Jesus of Nazareth wowed the rowdy crowd of drunken, gambling devotees.

The Awakened One was kind enough to grant our DC reporter a pregame interview:

DC — Siddhartha, first off…

B — Buddha, please. I think I’ve earned it.

DC — Yes, certainly! Of course! Our apologies, Buddha. First off, it is a great honor just to be in your presence. You have been a constant source of inspiration in so many lives, mine certainly included. Your teachings have had a terrific effect on the world as we know it. You’ve touched…

(The Buddha here held up a finger, a gesture we took to remain silent. A young penitent woman approached the Buddha and knelt at his feet.)

Penitent Woman (PW) — Great Buddha, most wise teacher, giver of the light of understanding, planter of the seed of enlightenment, father….

B — What can I do for you, sweetheart?

PW — Great Buddha, my gentle father has recently become blind and sick, and I fear he is dying. My mother is dead and without my father I will be left alone in the world. Is there nothing you can do to help him?

B — Well, this is the nature of life. The cycle, you know? You have read the book, right? I mean, life and death, can’t have one without the other.

PW — Great Buddha, my father is a wealthy man, both spiritually and financially. I beg of you, isn’t there some gesture I could make in his name, some sacrifice I could offer that would prove to you, Lord Buddha, mine and my father’s devotion and faith?

B — Well, I normally never do this kind of thing, but, in honesty, the roof at Bongwonsa has been dripping like a sailors hose after a port stay in the Philippines. I suppose if you pledged to donate, oh say, W5,000,000 we could get your old man up and running for another couple years or so. Oh, and if you had just a bit left over, enough to cover my buy-in that’d be great too.

PW — Oh great Buddha, your mercy is terrific!

(The penitent woman thanked the Buddha profusely, kissing his feet and bowing again and again.)

DC — Wow, a real life miracle right in front of my eyes, that is something! How does it feel to be the hands down favorite among the deities here tonight?

B — Me, a deity? I’m just man, like you. Just a man. I mean, yeah I’m enlightened and off the wheel of life and all that, filled with the blissful peace of nirvana but when it comes down to it, I’m just a regular guy.

DC — But you just cured that girl’s father. That was amazing!

B — Cure? No, the guy was going to be fine. All I did was fix a roof so that Brother Kim won’t get pissed on every time it rains.

Despite his pregame genius, the Buddha did not fare well in the tournament. The Buddha chose to sit in silent repose during the match and was eventually blinded out.

Celine Dion was actually the first player out of the tournament. Well, actually she never technically made it into the tournament. A ruling was handed down just minutes prior to the start of play citing that Ms. Dion did not fulfill the requirements necessary to register as a celebrity and she was sadly disqualified.

Eddie Kim, the tournament director, explained the decision to those in attendance after Ms. Dion was escorted from the building. “I just couldn’t stand looking at her,” he said. “God, what a horse face that woman has.”

Another favorite to barely make a showing was Tom Cruise. Mr. Cruise, after getting his booster seat, made a number of good plays early on and it seemed was on his way to being chip leader. However, about three quarters of the way through the first hour, he seemed drawn to a young man in leather pants and a tight pink shirt. Mr. Cruise excused himself and the pair locked themselves in the men’s room. Mr. Cruise did not make it back to the game before his stack was blinded out.

In a foreseeable blow, none of the 250 Korean players made it to heads up. In pure Korean gambling fashion, they bet every pot, raised every bet, and called everything they couldn’t afford to raise. The chip lead passed among them as, in each and every hand, one player was knocked out or doubled up.

When the fervor of the Korean style of play had died down there were three players remaining: Gary Busey, Jesus Christ, and Russell Crowe; respectively, the father of the motorcycle helmet law, the son of God, and the man who loves spirits more than any other.

Mr. Crowe, after a mesmerizing display of drinking prowess finally succumbed to his vise and passed out face down in his chips. Jesus broke the awkward silence after Mr. Crowe was hauled away by asking the crowd, “now, who didn’t see that coming? You didn’t need to be a prophet to realize that tipsy Aussie wasn’t gonna make it.”

Heads up, Busey kept one eye locked on Jesus and used his other wondering eye to follow what he described as a “tiny purple flying elephant.”

“I know you sent this miniscule lavender Dumbo to distract me, Jesus,” Busey said. “And it’s not going to work. I’m on to you, buddy. I’m so far in your head that I’m looking out of your eyes, seeing me looking at you, knowing that that guy is onto you.”

A confident Jesus remained silent through the match, smiling coyly as a distracted Busey swatted at, what appeared to be, empty air.

The climax came at around the fifth hour when an increasingly aggravated Busey moved all in blind on his small blind. The crowd, which overflowed onto the street, hushed. A hundred foot banner that changed in a play by play fashion was hung across the hotel’s façade. Jesus, glancing at his cards, quickly called.

When the cards were turned, Busey showed the big guns themselves, pocket rockets, two aces and Jesus, grinning through the pressure, turned a meager 2 – 7.

Busey focused both his eyes on the table as the dealer turned the flop. Dead silence permeated the casino; nobody even dared to exhale. The flop came A – K – 2. Busey remained stoic as he hit top set. When the 2 was dealt on the turn, most everybody knew what was coming on the river. Even Busey, it seemed, sitting there with aces full against a weak set, with his opponent having roughly a 2% chance of hitting his one-outer, knew he was beat. And when the final 2 was shown, Busey, with uncharacteristic reserve, graciously shook the Lord’s hand and offered Him his congratulations.

Jesus later told us that he respected Busey’s play. “That guy was hard to read,” He said. “He’s just all over the map. I mean, honestly, and I’m not supposed to say this stuff, but sometimes I really had no idea what was going on in his mind.”

And when asked if He ever had any doubts about winning He said, “Look, I’m the son of God. The day I agreed to let those Roman bastards nail me to that cross, just to make my dad look good, pretty much guaranteed that I was going to get everything I wanted from that point forward. That shit really hurt! What kind of father does that? Let’s his son get nailed to a cross just to look good?”

Dong Chim, as a policy, does not comment on questions, or question comments, of a religious nature.

How to Avoid the New Korean Civil War

As I sit outside on my small balcony garden tonight, in my comfortable blue beach chair with a pitcher of Cass to my side and the glowing ember and tough earthy smell of mosquito repellent in front of me with the scenic, reflective river view from my 22nd floor apartment and the slowest most patient sea breeze passing by, it breaks my heart to announce that my beloved South Korea stands on the brink of civil war.

While my nature as a pacifist and a happy-go-lucky drunk would normally preempt my involvement, or active interest in anything so politically volatile, I feel compelled to do my part. My part, which will never be to wield the implement of destruction or stand cool-eyed and steadfast against an aggressor, must be, can only be to report the facts in the same hardnosed, unbiased, emotionally absent and articulate manner you have come to expect.

In most civil wars the lines of opposition can be hazy. Rarely is the pretext clear, and rarely is the onus distinctive enough to allow easy separation of the sides. This war, however, is different.

The first side: (given deference (titled as “first side”) only out of home-field respect) the Idiots at Anti-English Spectrum (IaAES). The other side: the Idiots at Dave’s Esl Café (IaDEC).

The ultra nationalistic homogenites of the IaAES became outraged four years back when photographs of young Korean women drinking and frolicking with young Western men were posted on a public forum. Their argument then, as it is today is: Stop wooing our innocent young girls with your fancy swagger and worldly ideas.

In response, whether direct or organically occurring, the rival idiots invented the new derogatory word “Kimberly,” a feminization of the common Korean surname, Kim, to emasculate both any particular Korean they felt threatened by, and any group that spoke out against Western teachers.

The Korean idiots began working tirelessly, spreading baseless rumors against unnamed foreign sex fiends, citing horrific never substantiated rumors, and stalking those they suspected of doing drugs or working illegally.

The Western idiots began calling the 40 year old leader of the Korean idiots a “virgin.”

The IaAES flexed their political muscle recently by popularizing the notion that Western teachers are oozing AIDS, and spearheaded the mandatory AIDS test for all E-2 applicants.

The IaDEC continued to expound on and exaggerate every possible negative facet of living in Korea. Their general argument being, that all Koreans are repressed, drunken, rude, unsophisticated cheats that are incapable of conceptualizing the world in the sophisticated manner to which they are accustomed. They then went on to label any Westerners voicing an opinion even vaguely in favor of not demeaning the people and the country that has given us homes and jobs as “apologists.”

The IaAES has recently taken to translating several of the IaDEC’s internet posts, and commenting endlessly on the idiocy contained within.

The IaDEC initially lambasted the Korean idiots for taking the time and effort to translate what, were in truth, some of their more tame posts. And has since then made several calls for able people to translate what is being posted on the AES website so that they can read what the enemy is saying and comment endlessly on it.

To date: the IaAES continues to romanticize the tyranny of the Western teacher, and the IaDEC constantly tries to prove themselves to be the biggest spoiled douche bags in the world.

What is important for us, the people who are not idiots, to remember is that these idiots do, in fact, represent us. Every time some New Jersey frat boy makes his way to Seoul and posts some question about the best ways to “bang Korean chicks” he represents all of us and makes us look like idiots. And for you, our educated Korean readers, every time some closed minded Korean man, desperate not to have his innocent Han flowers plucked, plucked, passed by the foreign devil, writes detailed baseless lies, he represents you and makes you look like an idiot.

And while I’m certain that this social issue will not be quashed entirely during my tenure in Korea, I would like to suggest one single idea which I hope might help some amount of the teetering idiots on both sides fall back on the side of ration.

Every single time an issue regarding Korea and the West is brought up, Jon Huer writes a long winded, stereotyping, self aggrandizing article. And being an American, like Jon Huer (just writing that caused my teeth to grind) I am embarrassed every time he writes. And as Koreans, as intelligent, educated, rational people you can’t possibly want this long winded American, who has most likely spent less of his adult life living in Korea than most of the IaDEC, claiming to represent you.

I believe, well I hope, that if we Koreans and Westerners alike can find a common ground in not wanting that fat blow-hard to have a soap box to stand on, in not wanting the over-educated, inexperienced likes of Jon Huer representing us, we can best whatever petty issues our respective groups of idiots have taken to heart and forge a united front. A front that collectively and unanimously and proudly stands up and says, “Jon Huer, shut the fuck up!”

South Korean Group Questions Australia’s “Best Job in the World”

In early May, the winner of what was being promoted as “the best job in the world” was announced by the Australian Tourism Board. While the winner, a 34 year old British charity worker named Ben Southall, has been reveling in his new fame and preparing to embark on his lucrative endeavor, the Australian Tourism Board has come under some harsh, and potentially litigious, fire.

A group of Korean men, calling themselves the Defenders of the True Best Job in the World (DTBJW), claiming to have a membership of over 8 million people, have embarked on a campaign to force the Australian government to publically apologize and to admit that the job they offered is far from the best in the world. The group, which is reputed to include some of the richest and most powerful men in South Korea, has threatened to launch a multi-million dollar smear campaign against the entire country of Australia and to pursue any and all legal avenues available. The group claims that the greatest job in the world exists solely in South Korea and is an absolute birth right for fifty percent of its population.

“There can be no doubt that the “adjossi” is the single greatest job in the world,” claims Ho Man-choi, the legal representative of DTBJW. “The title of adjossi is given to our men as they reach middle age, and from that moment on, the men are free to do nearly anything they choose. The men may beat their wives, drink to preposterous excess, and drive without regard for public safety or traffic laws. These men are even encouraged to utilize the services of prostitutes as much as they desire. And as these men age, the power and the benefits only increase. A man who has lived past his sixtieth year, for example, may spend his entire day drinking with his friends outside of Family Marts, or verbally assaulting passersby on a public street, and while we don’t necessarily encourage it,” he continued with a chuckle, “an adjossi may even stand in the door way of a building and masturbate himself at, or to, anything that passes by, suiting his fancy.

“What, can I ask you,” he said, rising straight in his chair and slamming his fist down, “are these kangaroo eating Australians really offering that could compete with forty years of living like a god?”

Though Mr. Ho’s claims might seem preposterous to some, we at Dong Chim can, collectively, attest to the happening of all of these occurrences and to the daily happening of most. It’s hard to pass by a convenience store without seeing a grouping of older men drinking from a communal bottle of Makali. Never once, in any of our experiences, has a light turned from yellow to red without at least five cars buzzing through. And, as a good friend and fellow Dong Chim writer likes to say, if you haven’t seen an old dude beating his wank at 2:30 on a Monday afternoon, you probably haven’t been to Korea.

While it would certainly be difficult to imagine a freer existence than being an adjossi, the question which the Australian Tourism Board has proffered is whether “adjossi” can really be qualified as a “job.”

Australian citizen and international film star, Russell Crowe, offering to speak on behalf of all Australians, was kind enough to grant Dong Chim a telephone interview:

DC – Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us about this important topic.

RC – I’m drunk.

DC – Ok…. Well, what take do you have on South Korea’s claim that Australia does not have the right to use the phrase “best job in the world?”

RC – Who the fuck is Sal Kreah? I’m gonna kick his Jew ass if he ever even thinks about Australia again.

DC – Mr. Crowe, perhaps I’m not making myself clear. I cleared this with your assistant only an hour ago, we’re calling in regards to Australia’s best job in the world promotion.

(30 second pause)

DC – Sir? Mr. Crowe, are you there?

RC – What? Who the hell is this?

(30 second pause)

RC – if there isn’t a can of Foster’s in my right hand and one of Nicole Kidman’s tits in the other in three minutes, I’m going to kick all of your asses.

DC – Sir?

RC – Two minutes and fifty seconds remaining, asshole.

DC – We’ll see what we can do.

As a rebuttal to Mr. Crowe’s commentary, the DTBJW released the following statement: “Gladiator sucked.”

To date, neither side, nor Russell Crowe (who has been calling our offices daily with slurred threats), is ready to back down. We at Dong Chim don’t know where this is going to end, but you, our valued reader, can rest assured that as soon as we know something we will get around to telling you in about a month or so.

Riding a Moped in Korea is Confirmed Lame

In a not so surprising report released by two independent research groups, riding a moped, even in Korea where it seems most everyone does it, is still incredibly lame. The two groups, HCBH (Hot Chicks Back Home) and HCiK (Hot Chicks in Korea) represent, respectively, both the girls that were deemed hot in their home countries and those whose relative hotness has increased substantially by the general lack of fine western trim here in Korea.

The accepted simile back home was that riding a moped was like banging a fat chick: Probably a lot of fun but not something you’d want you friends to see you doing. And whether it is the abundance of mopeds, which might give the impression of coolness in Korea or the ratio of available fatties, which has greatly increased the number of times most all of us have had to make that most regrettable of late night decisions – hogging which, becoming more of a norm, acted upon our subconscious fat-girl:moped ratio and caused our perception of the mopeds social acceptability to alter, no one can say.

Despite the reasons why the moped has garnered some level of acceptability, the hot chick collaboration claims that riding a moped is still “totally lame.”

In a reply to the idea that a thing like riding a moped (or banging a fat chick) can become cool in specific locations or under specific circumstances, Misty Johansson, the president of HCBH, said, “look, if you’re stranded on a mountain top with your brother and are forced to share body heat to survive, and when the proximal heat isn’t enough you find yourself compelled to engage in no-lube incestuous sodomy (sodomy to avoid the possibility of birthing an unholy freak), you might be doing exactly the same thing that anyone in your position would do. You might be doing the very thing you need to do to survive, but it still isn’t even close to being cool. I mean you’re letting your brother bang you in the ass, that’s just gross!”

A third group, MACDSE (Mediocre American Chicks Digging Skinny Europeans), a group composed of chubby, homely girls with disproportionate bodies and bushy eyebrows that are turned on by skinny European guys in tight jeans, wearing scarves and plaid, gave a contesting report praising the sexy potential of mopeds. The report was promptly ignored for obvious reasons. (Who the F cares what ugly chicks think?)

A Rising Number of Modern Older Korean Women Suffering Social Displacement

There are few words which can so immediately and powerfully evoke a specific uncontested image like the word ‘adjuma.’ Americans, Koreans, Australians, the English, and even Canadians (in their own limited capacity) envision the same squat, tight haired, steely eyed, brightly dressed woman ready to bowl over, elbow, and gouge their way to a better place in line. It’s usually one of the first Korean words a foreigner learns: right after hello, thank you, and two draft beers, please. It’s a word used in levity with friends as a jab, and as a sharp insult aimed at anyone acting adjuma-esque.

However, as the tough agrarian lifestyle which cast the young women of yesterday into the pit bulls of the now is rapidly being replaced by a modern, comfort and status driven, more western existence, a growing number of adjuma aged women are feeling like they just don’t fit in. While still in the deep minority, these women can be usually seen separated from the mobs of scowling helmet haired real adjumas. Unlike their linebacker counterparts, the new breed of adjuma is usually thin and dressed in fashionable attire. Many are even foregoing the requisite afro perm for a styled modern look. Some can even be seen smiling – though usually when on their cell phone.

Many women, like Min Sun-jee, a prominent 50 year old dentist in the Gaepo area of Seoul, find the connotation associated with the word adjuma confusing or, occasionally, disturbing. Min Sun-jee attempted to clarify her feelings. “Adjumas are ugly,” she told our reporter. “I go to the gym six days a week. I watch On-Style like it’s my job. I love desperate housewives. I have never paid less than 500,000 won for a purse. I am not an adjuma. Look at my ass; you could bounce a baek won off of this ass.”

Sadly for Min Sun-jee, adjuma’s accepted denotation is simply “older married woman.” And though she scoffed at the word ‘older,’ saying, “older than who? Look around. There are more people than in a New York subway line at rush hour – just in this building – that are older than I am. Did you see my ass? Here, touch it; go ahead.”

It is quite possible that as more women like Min Sun-jee reach adjuma age the connoted implications of the title will change, and may in fact reflect the western idealized M.I.L.F. But for now, for Sun-jee and the many like her, these educated, sexually aware women are left without an appropriate categorized societal pigeon hole.

While we at Dong Chim do not have an answer to this quandary, we do ask our readers to be sympathetic to those who suffer its brunt. For many of us, our mastery of the Korean language being naught, our limited vocabulary limits how we can address those around us. We don’t have the ability, despite our intentions, to appropriately address an older yet attractive and stylish woman. So, if you see an attractive older lady and need to speak with her, instead of calling her adjuma, give her a nice smack on the tush and call her “toots.” If you’re out and want to ask a well dressed cell phone talking, cigarette smoking woman a question, premise your question by buying her a cosmo and calling her “doll face.” While the correcting of a society’s rifting self-image is well beyond the grasp of any one person or group, we can all do what we can to ease the suffering of those affected.

Korean Scientists Announce the Discovery of a Fifth Season

South Korea’s Department of Environmental Studies spokesman, Lee Jin-hee, announced today that from this day forward South Korea will officially have five seasons. The change in national policy swiftly followed last week’s highly publicized finding that South Korea was not the only country with four seasons.

Park Sun-lee, a university student, recounts her feelings after last week’s shocking findings were released. “For years,” she said, “we’ve been walking around, telling every foreigner we met that Korea has four seasons.” Sun-lee, like so many other Korean’s had been instructed from a young age that having four distinct seasons was a natural honor specific to Korea. “They told us to tell everyone! They gave us cards to carry with “Korea has four distinct seasons” written on it. They made us memorize this shit in high school. It’s so embarrassing”

No one is exactly certain if persons within the Korean educational and governmental agencies were aware that the majority of the world’s nations also celebrated four distinct seasons.

Lee Jin-hee was kind enough to meet with our staff reporter to discuss his report. “We now know that several countries claim to have four seasons,” he began, “but as the world clearly acknowledges, Korea’s environmental splendors are by far the greatest. It was on this premise that we began our research which subsequently uncovered the fifth distinct season.”

When asked why South Korea would go through the trouble to officially change its accepted four season structure, Lee Jin-hee smiled and said, “it’s one better. Most countries have three seasons, and some may have four, but Korea will has five. It’s one better.”

The new season is purported to exist after the final cherry blossom has fallen and before the first 3000 beach umbrella day on Haeundae beach. A name for the new season has not been chosen, but Dong Chim has been assured it will “represent Korea’s preeminent seasonal standing and will most likely cause the rest of the world’s nations to suffer the often felt jealousy of Korea’s clear superiority.”

Editor’s Note – Dong Chim acknowledges Dokdo is Ours’s prior reporting of this important change. We further doff our literary cap to the quality and ingenuity of their groundbreaking article. Dokdo’s Fifth Season Article

Korean Psychiatrists Discover Shocking New Mental Disorder

Elite mental health officials in Korea have released compelling research on a newly diagnosed mental illness that has taken many Korean women hostage. Anuptaphobia, the fear of staying single, has caused Korean women to take drastic measures in order to land a boyfriend or husband. The study, which took place over six months in Lotte department stores across Korea, interviewed nearly 10,000 single women.

The study estimates that up to 70% of single Korean women have been affected by the illness. Women who partook in the study were asked questions such as, “Why do you dress up just to go grocery shopping?” “Why did you spend 10 million won on your purse?” and “It’s freezing outside, why do you have a mini skirt on?” Psychiatrists recorded the answers of the women and then analyzed the roots of their behavior, and concluded Anuptaphobia as being the sole reason for such insane behavior.

Anuptaphobia has not only caused women to spend a ridiculous amount of money on clothing, but has even provoked women to seek drastic surgical procedures. Though clothing can aid in the appearance of women, some women feel a further need to set themselves apart. New plastic surgery clinics are taking advantage of these self-esteem issues, now offering cranial reduction and breast augmentation. Dr. Lee, one of the top cranial/breast surgeons, recently opened a new clinic in the Centum City area of Busan called “Small Face, Lovely Breast.” The clinic has become so popular that the waiting list has now reached one year.

The clinic specializes in making the cranium smaller, which as a result makes eyes, lips, and breasts appear larger. The cranial surgery includes a Double D breast enlargement free of charge.

While Dr. Lee is pleased with the large influx of business, he is concerned over the results of the new study. “I think women need to realize that staying single is not that bad, I mean you can always work at Gimbop Changuk if you don’t get married.”

Kim Min-Jee is currently on the waiting list for the surgery, “I really want to
marry a doctor and I feel the only way I can do so is to get the surgery. I mean what guy would not want a girl with a small head and huge breasts?”

Mental health officials, though, are expressing concern over the epidemic. One of the country’s top psychiatrists, Baek Dong-Yul, is disturbed over the recent behavior of single women. “The results of this study are staggering and incredibly dangerous. Women are actually reducing the size of their heads and getting their breasts enlarged just to appeal to men. It’s absolutely insane. What’s next? Are women going to start getting their voice boxes removed to appeal to men even more?”

The Korean government has been hesitant of giving money to aid in the research which hopes to produce new medication that could treat the illness. President, Lee Myung Bak, released a statement stating, “Though Anuptaphobia seems to be a very serious illness, the fact of the matter is, the hotter our women are the more tourism our country will receive.”

Psychologists and psychiatrists across the country are refusing to give up on the cause and are hosting a week long fundraising event starting April 1st in both Busan and Seoul. The Wondergirls are slated to host the event in Seoul. Recently the group has been focused on self-esteem issues in their music and therefore are excited to be apart of such a good cause.

[Editors note- After reading this article, Dr. Lee has opened a new clinic in Haundae called, “Shhhhhhhhh,” which specializes in removing the voice boxes of single women.]